It's Medication time!

Well, a week from now I will be back, or just arriving back, from my medical to see if I still qualify for my Incapacity Benefit. I think I do but sadly there are 3 big reasons why I beleive I am going to fail:

1) I don't sound mad: I honestly believe that the people they bring in for these tests have no idea what a clinically depressed person looks like (not that there is an actual type) or worse has a pre-supposition of what one is. I sadly rarely come across as that supposition. I am coherent, eloquent, capable of stringing a whole sentence together without using phrases like "You ken" or "ken what I mean" (to my non-Scottish readers, ken is a Scots version of the word know) and I don't sound unintelligent. This I think counts against me as I think these adjudicators see Clinically Depressed, and for that matter the mentally ill in general, as incoherent dullards, incapable of basic English. It is a reverse snobbery and it really gets my goat.

2) Friend of mine, who is disabled, failed her assessment. Now she is right to point out that they seem a little more cagey about the mentally ill but her denial of benefits, when she is such an obvious case, doesn't exactly fill me with confidence cos I figure if they can do that to her they could do it to me as well.

3) The Government are on a cull: This sort of ties up the other 2 points really. The Government have set a target of getting 1 million people of sickness benefits and back to work. laudible, even commendable, but sadly it has now become a case of "1 million any way they can". I am painfully aware of how some people use and abuse the benefits system and I agree wholeheartedly with them being found out but what scares me, given the problems I've mentioned above, is that I'm on a hitlist. I know that this is feeding into my paranoia and is aggravating my sleep to the point where I can barely think straight.

So where does this leave me? Terrified to put it bluntly. I am not ready yet to return to the field of work as I still find people much too scary to work with full time and whilst I ahve considered a college course, I've not really found one yet. But if I lose my benefits I will have to work and that will leave me even more isolated and terrified and I am scared, rightly or wrongly, of having a relapse and doing harm to myself again.

So I am a nervous wreck and there is still a week to go.

New York Senate Vote on Marriage Equality!

Yes, this is going to be a rant so I am sorry if this comes off as being a bit rabid or even slightly unfocused but I am very disturbed by the events in New York today.

In a saddening but not wholly surprising vote, New York State Senate voted down the Marriage Equality Bill by 24-38. As the Yes vote needed 35 to pass, this couldn't even be called a close vote. So what happened?

Simple - close minded hatred and bigotry won the day with the intolerant trying to sound dignified as they rang out the old arguments to justify the fact that they do not accept that being gay is worth standing up for.

What amazes me about these hypocrits is that they state that they are freedom and equality, but what they really mean is freedom and equality for people like them. If the group being discriminated against were being so because of the colour of their skin, their faith, their nationality or their gender, then I am positive thse self-same Senators would be standing up for these people. This is why I call them hypocrits.

What galls is that America is, supposedly, overseas right now spreading democracy. We all know that was a pretext for things more sinister by President Bush and his cronies but under Barack Obama it was a phrase that at least had a chance of gaining some legitimacy. But how can America, or any country with the same legal position, talk about spreading freedom to other countries when it hasn't got it right back home. This has far reaching consequences as a vote like this weakens America's world view as a bastion of equality and tolerance.

Over the last few years under President Bush, I was becoming very jaded with America (and with some Americans, specifically the right-wing bible thumpers) and would happily make sport of their terrible inner lie of talking justice in other countries whilst not delivering the same at home. With Obama I ahd hoped that it was a sign that the people of America had had enough of such views, and wanted to reclaim the country they loved, a country that they felt should do more than just talk about concepts like freedom and justice and tolerance, but walk them as well, both domestically as well as internationally.

However this vote means one of two things: Either that was a false dawn and the religious right still have a terrible and debilitating handhold on the civil rights and human rights views in America OR it means that the last gasps of theocratic tyranny and abuse of the innocent in America has still to be swept aside.

I desperately hope it is the latter, and that this terrible vote, which has only shown that in the Senate there are 38 very ignorant people (that i hope will be remembered as such come election time) is merely a set back towards the greater goal of proper equality and respect that should always have been given the LGBT community. If it is the former however, then I fear that America is going to tear itself apart and perhaps do more damage.

I want to be wrong. I want this to be a blip on the screen and not a sign of the flood to come. I want to be wrong, but I fear I may not be.

Okay, doing my bit because its the right thing to do!

Usually when a person Blogs it is usually some musing over a thought or sometimes even a rant about soem great inequity. But occasionally, one is given the opportunity to Blog in the spirit of helping another person help others.

I am a huge fan of actress/novelist/director and all round nice person Amber Benson. I've given my reasons for this before so I won't repeat them but one of the reasons is her undeniable compassion. She is quite willing to give up profit for herself if it means helping those far less fortunate.

A case in point is her latest Blog which I link here for all to read:

http://amberbensonwrotethis.blogspot.com/2009/11/triangle-tara-dolls-for-charity-or-how.html


Now for those of us who know her this Blog and her decision to seel the Tara dolls to help the hungry comes as no surprise. Amber rarely does large-scale publicity stunts, but rather just puts her money where her mouth is and leads by example. She could make a lot of money for herself with those dolls, but instead has chosen to give that money (and I'm fairly certain she will have made a donation as well) to those who are not as fortunate as she. No glory seeking stunt this, but the genuine act of someone who genuinely cares about the people around ehr and the world entire.

Now for those who feel that $100 is a bit too much to give away then I provide here a link for people to make a direct donation: https://www.lafoodbank.org/ssl/financial_donation.htm

Amber has not told others to do, but rather has set the example that I hope others reading this blog will follow.

So please support this very worthy cause and buy a doll or make a donation. Thank you!!

Collectormania Glasgow!!

Okay, haven't posted in a while but thats more to do with not having had much to say than anything else. However, today I went to Collectormania Glasgow so I thought I'd write about it.

Travel there was fine (I know the route well so no problems there). I had to change buses at Glasgow which gave me an opportunity to buy Amber a present. Yes, I know, sappy but hey, I think Amber is worth a little present. She is a good person who despite my massive inferiority complex and insecurities and fears puts up with that and treats me nicely and that, as far as I am concerned, warrants a present. I had presumed Amber would get lots of cuddly toys so instead I bought her a book, something quintessentially Scottish. Complete works of Robert Burns, complete with helpful addenda in the margins to aid transaltion.

So I arrived and found Amber's queue which, due to being quite early, wasn't busy which was good as I didn't want to hold up a queue. I then met Dorothy from the Twitter Board (Hi to Dorothy if you are reading this). She very kindly gave me a present of an old digital video camera which was extremely thoughtful of her and was a very nice way to start the day. I thanked her for her kind gift and went over to meet Amber.

For the last few days i have been posting on Twitter and Facebook about my excitement at meeting Amber and my terror, terror caused by my insecurities and low self-esteem. I always fear that others see me with the same low opinion that I see myself and that, given that I do answer a great many of her Tweets and Facebook posts, I might be perceived as a pest. I try not to be but it is forever nagging at my mind. I mention this so you can appreciate the state of mind I was in.

Amber immediately recognised me, which was a mixture of "cool" and "Oh no!" in my head but she put me immediately at my ease. She had seen my tweets regarding my fears and although there was no vocal re-assurance that I was welcome, her tone of voice, demeanour and body language suggested that I was not unwelcome, which was a weight off my mind. I handed her my present which she was very happy about. I know Amber likes books and am hoping that, with the aid of the addenda, she might enjoy this one. A bit of Scotland to love. Anyway, she happily signed my copy of "Death's Daughter" to me and the DVD of "Once More With Feeling" for my daughter as a Xmas present. We spent a few moments talking about this and that but I didn't want to hold up the queue that was fast forming behind me so we exchange pleasantries and that was that.

The stalls were nice and I did manage to find the Buffy Top Trumps deck that I've wanted to get my daughter for some time so that was bought and I made my way to get my professional photo taken with Amber.

Amber was very nice with everyone but due to the size of the queue and the lack of time there really wasn't much chance to say anything other than "Thank you".

I wandered round the stalls some more (Some great stuff but a little too pricey for me) and then proceeded to the talk area where Amber would giving her Q & A.

Amber didn't disappoint. Rather than run off tangents she opened it straight to questions and there were the usual array of subjects. I even managed to summon up the courage (God knows from where) to ask a general question about DVD distribution using "Strictly Sexual" (superb movie) as a segue. At the end of the talk I crossed paths with Amber as I headed out and she was heading back to her signing booth and she gave me a very nice smile and wave which was unexpected and nice.

I went back to the photo area (by this time 2 hours at passed since the photo was taken) and saw my 2 photos with horror. "Beauty and the Beast" definitely sums up the two photos (with Amber very much Beauty). They are nice photos and very professional but I look so ugly in them I feel sorry for Amber having to stand next to me.

All in all however it was a good day. Amber was her usual approachable and friendly self and I certainly enjoyed myself, I just wish my pictures weren't so terrible on the eye.

On the off-chance that Amber sees this blog (as she saw one previously) may I remark the following:

Firstly, thank you for reassuring a highly sensitive, insecure guy that he isn't the stuff of nightmares (I know that may come across as funny but its how I genuinely view myself). It meant a lot that you were eager to put me at my ease. it is a kindness I will not forget.

Also, you mentioned in your talk about if you were more mean and sarcastic in life you might get more villain roles. I think your decency and compassion are amongst your greatest qualities and it would be very sad to lose them as there is so little of it in this world. It is the lack of imagination on the part of the writers and producers of shows/films that you don't get the villain parts (as "The Inside" clearly shows you can play them with real conviction) and not down to your ability or personality.

I had so many questions I wanted to ask you today and didn't have the courage in front of an audience or the time. Maybe one day I will, with your permission.

Again, thank you.

Why I am still angry over Buffy season 6

I was recently, for a couple of weeks, on a Buffy discussion forum. I had thought that I was over my anger regarding the Magic Addiction storyline and the killing off of the character of Tara. But as the debate raged on and I made what I believed to be salient points I realised two things. One was that many of the posters not only didn't agree with me but were annoyed that I didn't agree with them. But secondly, I realised I still have within me a most profound sadness over the death of Tara.

In 2000 I suffered a breakdown. After years of having to put up with a drunken bully of a father and an over-bearing mother I ended up meeting a woman and we had a very short relationship (some 3 weeks). However within that time she got pregnant. This terrified me as I had not wanted to be a father, scared I would be as a bad a father to my own children as mine had to me. But I stepped up to the mark as best I could and it wasn't long before I bonded with my daughter Saffron.

Her mother was erratic however, an alcoholic who was in and out of psychiatric hospital (always to tie in with my holidays). Eventually I had enough and threatened her with custody (being an unmarried father at that time I had no legal rights). It was then that, in order to ensure I would never succeed, I was accused of molesting my child. I was interviewed by the police and thankfully no further action was taken (although to this day I don't know if its because they realised I was innocent or they didn't think they could get me). This allegation, on top of being in a job I despised, and my emotional problems due to my father, caused me to have a full metnal and emotional breakdown.

I eventually moved away, but it was a mixed blessing. The friend I had up here had gotten me here under the pretext of me starting afresh though it quickly became apparent I was there to be at her beck and call. If I didn't feel up to going where she wanted, when she wanted, she would not call for days, sometimes weeks, leaving me completely isolated.

But then, as a way of escaping all that pain, I found myself watching Buffy. Season 5 had just started on BBC2 and it was 45 minutes of peace. And there was the character of Tara, a character whom I could relate to in a very real way. And I saw a character that had come from an abusive background but had found love, friendship, some inner peace. A good person, kind and compassionate. Soppy though it may be to say it, but with all the turbulence in my life, she was a place of safety.

And then came season 6 and the death of Tara. I maintain still that the storyline it was part of simply wasn't anywhere near strong enough to justify such an extreme measure but more over, I saw a glimmer of hope snuffed out. My place of safety was gone, and I was devastated, and hurt. Even typing this now I am doing so in tears as it is such a difficult subject.

I guess then for me it is deeply personal. Tara may have been a fictional character but the hope and safety she inspired was very real and the death of that hope was also terribly, terribly real.

So it still upsets me, still leaves me distraught. 37 years old and I get distraught over the death of a fictional character. Its not logical, its purely emotional, but it is what it is.

Horror - what's the point?

Was looking up Wikipedia, was intrigued at a section of films on their banned list (the old "video nasties"). What seems clear is that most of these films were banned for being sadistically savage and cruel, rather than just because they were horrors.

For me, a real horror doesn't come from gory effects or what new way the film makers have come up with to kill someone off. That is all gore effects and whilst they may revolt, and the idea of it happening be horrific, they are in my opinion lazy horrors.

True horrors, in my opinion, are when you care about the characters. You like them and want them to survive, so when they are put in real peril, you are scared for them. nothing to do with gruesome demises and editing tricks, but good old fashion terror that one feels at the prospect of losing a loved on. it is true psychological horror and I fear we are losing the art form in an attempt to shock the audience with ever more gruesome and sadistic scenes of torture.

Take Hallowwen, for example. There is a film with little blood to it and yet it is genuinely scary. in part its due to the skill of Carpenter's direction but its also because we get to meet these characters, and like them. When they are put in jeopardy, we want them to survive and so we fear their demise. Once that has been established, gore is really not needed.

I also find it sikcening that we have a generation of horror films where the audience are no longer going to see characters they like trying to escape from the killer, supernatural or otherwise. Instead they go to cheer on freddy, jason, Michael and jigsaw as they dispatch another group of faceless, pointless victims for our amusement.

It worries me greatly.

Definitely in a self-loathing kinda mood!

Just spoken to my daughter. I just feel that I ahve lost her. We talk and there appears to be a connection but I'm not sure. maybe I'm so afriad of losing her I'm putting up barriers but it hurts, it hurts so very, very much.

I know I should kick myself and get over it and all that nuttiness but right now I just feel like really taking a razor and going nuts with my veins. Times like this I feel like dying.

Proposition 8 - what a sad day!

And so the California Supreme Court ruling is in and its a mess. On one hand they uphold Prop 8 but they try and appease those they must know they have let down terribly and wrongly by allowing those gay couples who had married prior to the ban to remain married.

Whilst I am happy for those couples, it is sickening that hate and discrimination has won the day in California. Proposition 8 was voted for due in large part to a campaign that used lies, distortions, innaccuracies and exaggerations to try and scare the hell out of the voters. It sadly worked. the judges should have seen through the lies and stayed strong. They didn't.

It is a sad day for justice, common sense and humanity.

Conversation is a killer!

Not having a good day. I guess the truth is I find conversation so difficult. I don't have an easy style, I can't just go up to people and start talking. As for casual remarks and flirty lines, I feel i really need to know the person first so I can be a little stand-offish. partly cos I feel each person is different and deserves respect, and partly cos I figure that they wouldn't want a guy like me being friendly. not talking making offensive or salacious remarks, just everyday conversation I find so very difficult.

Even good friends I find difficult holding conversation with once I'm outside my comfort zone. makes me come across as boring which i guess I am. Just one quirk that's difficult to deal with.

Wish i knew the secret, knew how to tell if someone wants you to approach and talk to them. When it comes to body language I'm completely dyslexic. So i presume they don't unless they make it staggeringl;y obvious, like coming and talking to me.

Guess I'm just wierd.

Call To Arms - Or At Least To Voices!

Angry post this, as it really does upset and annoy me that an entire section of society can be so easily and willfully discriminated against and yet the Government in America seem unwilling to budge.

The need for hate crime legislation in America is sad because it means they must acknowledge that hate crimes go on. But they do, and so legislation is needed. It is time for all people of conscience to stand up for those who are attacked merely for being different. Be it difference in gender, race, physical or mental ability, sexual orientation or religion, hate crimes are a blight on our world.

So I don't care who you are or where you are from or how much influence you ahve on your community or the world at large. get out there and start making the change. This legislation must pass. Help it Please!

Inspiration - so hard to come by!

Trying to get my head into a writing state as I have a scenario for Castle Falkenstein to finish off for a game in June.

It should be a good game as i find CF a great source of scenarios and by setting in America I'm allowing some new jokes to enter (the fact that i am naming all the soldiers in the fort near las Vegas after characters in CSI will get a chuckle or two).

It is easily the best RPG system I own. the others I use regularly are two horror games: Call of Cthulhu and the mighty Kult. I enjoy writing as it helps focus my mind and helps me forget other things. Just hard to get started. Partly cos it not being my computer i know I only have limited time and that doesn't motivate and cos i don't have a computer or internet o my own the net fascinates me. maybe when i'm all comped up the net will be less attractive and I can re-focus. Until then i will work as much as I can.

So why do I like Amber?

This is gonna sound a little on the soppy side but I don't care. Here ar ethe reasons I like Amber:

1) She is incredibly talented. Be it acting, writing, directing, singing, she really does seem to have multiple strings to ehr bow and is good at them all. Plus, she has integrity in her work. yes, you can sometimes tell the parts she has taken just for the money cos its a job but you can see that the work, and good quality work, drives her more than the pay cheque. in this highly materialistic age, she seems refreshingly lacking in materialistic goals and I like that quality. She seems to value people for who they are, not the Dollar value they may bring for her.

2) She is an incredibly nice person. I've had the privilege of meeting ehr twice and what comes acros is something I don't really see from other stars i've met. Amber has this ability to make you feel that she ahs travelled all that way just to meet you. That she is not the celebrity, you are. There is a genuine enthusiasm and warmth in her that immediately puts you at ease. Plus Amber seems to have an amazing memory for faces and often will remember you (as she did me at our second meeting) and that only adds to the warmth. Rather than seeing signings and conventions as a job, she makes it look like an honest excuse to come and meet amazing people (namely the people who are coming to meet her).

3) And this is slightly more personal. I've had a lot of bad breaks in the last few years. Won't give the details but suffice as to say its been tough. I've had ocassion to speak to Amber's Mum Diane and by extension on ocassion Amber herself (this has been through email exchange) and they have been very decent with me at all times and have shown, to a virtual stranger, a level of compassion and concern that really helped me through my toughest times. I doubt they will ever really know how much they helped. Also, the character of Tara (who i identified with a lot), was another source of comfort and to find that Amber shared the same kind of compassion and, dare I say gentleness, that tara did was again a source of comfort in darker times.

So that's why i like her. i like ehr as an artist, as a celebrity, and as a person. She is someone whom, if we were in teh same circles, i would be proud to call a friend. But what i can call ehr is an inspiration and she ahs me as a fan for life.

Proposition 8 - A Scotsman's perspective!

As happy as i was to see Barack Obama win the US Presidential race, that happiness was somewhat stunted by the news that California had voted in proposition 8, effectively writing segregation into their State Constitution by defining marriage as one man and one woman, overturning a recent Supreme Court ruling that deny gay couples the right of marriage was unconstitutional, but also denying them the right to be considered as adoptive parents.

My views on this are fairly simple I'll be brief on each:

On marriage, I simply don't get the problem. No one is asking straight couples to suddenly marry gay people. Also, i have heard every one of the arguments (be they social, religious, moral, whatever) for barring gay couples from marriage opr even equality under the law and I've yet to hear ONE argument that stands up to any scrutiny.

As for adoption, again i can't see the issue. the adoption process is long and arduous (some say too long and too arduous but that's a separate debate) and I reckon any prospective adopter, regardless of age, gender, race, sexual orientation or religion, who gets through that process has earned the right to be treated with the respect that adopters and especially fosterers deserve. The notion that because one is gay or bisexual it somehow limits or diminishes your ability to parent is a notion that is lost on me.

So I hope Proposition 8 is overturned. I also hope that EVERYONE who opposes this disgraceful act of segregation makes themselves heard. I don't care if you are an actor or a plumber or anyone in California. Your voice, no matter how small or insignificant you might think it is, counts here.

And Hollywood, from the big stars to the small indie players, need to get their collective muscle together and help influence the court the right way.

And I am hoping to see AMber at such an event. She has been a great supporter of the LGBT community and I am sure she is offended by proposition 8 as much as I am.

More Amber in the UK

Okay, no secret that I am a huge fan of actress/director/author/all round decent human being Amber Benson. My ASA (stands for AmbersSecretAdmirer, my posting name on the Essence of Amber Board and the Kitten Board) is a deliberate oxymoron.

I like Amber's work very much, even when she is in projects that on the whole I don't tend to like. For example, "Taboo" wasn't great but I liked Amber's contribution. "Race You To The Bottom" only had Amber going for it. I know Amber is really proud of the film but I found it utterly depressing and I left the viewing so despondent that had I not been with friends that night I probably would have done myself an injury.

But for the most part, I've liked what I've seen. I say "what I've seen" as a good chunk of Amber's work hasn't made it over here to the good ol' UK. Her novels are only available online or in specialist scifi shops like Forbidden Planet. Go to a regular bookstore and ask for Amber Benson's work and they will give you a curious look.

Same goes for some of her indie work. "Strictly Sexual", which I saw by other means, is a great film but not getting a Region 2 release. "Country Remedy" is equally afflicted. What bothers me is that a real independent like Amber, aware that she has fans overseas, happily produced Region 2 versions of both her films yet these studios, who must realise that with Amber comes an international fanbase, seem reluctant to release a Region 2.

At the very least these indie companies should release a Region free version of their films so people overseas can see them. Simply put, they've lost money as I would have willingly paid for these films but won't cos i can't watch them. So they have lost a potential customer who must now wrestle with either not owning the film or owning them by nefarious means, which I dont want to do cos I want to support Amber's career.

So indie producers, take a leaf out of Amber's book and release your stuff with an international audience in mind. And publishing houses, do the same.

Amazingly, the world doesn't end at the borders of the USA and Canada. Amber gets that, why can't you guys?