Thursday 18 November 2010

Feeling very alone!

I'm not sure when it started, or more accurately when I first really felt it, but for the past few months I've begun to feel something I've never really felt before to any great extent, and that is isolated.

I live on my own, and live away from the vast majority of my friends and all my family. I've never regretted that decision, as I needed to heal and I still don't regret it, as I still need to heal. But its not physical distance that is causing this feeling of isolation for me, but an emotional one.

I feel like I've all but lost my daughter. For weeks now getting to speak to her on the phone has been a quest in itself. I always call at the same times every week. I did this to provide her some structure amongst the chaos of her home life. her Mum was ill and unreliable so I was determined that my daughter could count on me and that she knew when I would call her. But now it seems that has all been for nought.

The most heartbreaking point has been last night. Having not been able to contact my daughter in over a week I even called her mobile phone (which has a notoriously bad signal even when I do get her) to again, no answer. So I texted her instead, asking her to actually be home so I could call her. I got a reply, asking who I was. I replied "your Dad" (albeit in text speak shorthand). I got a further reply, saying that the person sending the text was sitting beside their dad so who the hell was I. I replied, apologising and explaining that the humber had been my daughter's. I got another reply, telling me that I was not to text again and calling me a fucking bastard (although both words were mis-spelt). It would appear that either my daughter doesn't think me important enough to give me her new number or it was her and she truly despises me. Whatever the reason, it has left me feeling empty inside.

The natural reaction is to turn to friends or family. But my friends get enough of my worries and woes and I do not wish to burden them further and I am so distant emotionally from my family these days I don't even think to contact them (though I did last night to try and get Saffron's number).

So I now feel lonelier than I have ever felt. But for the first time, I feel alone, which I have never felt before. its no-one's fault its just the way it is. I've always been odd, but for the first time I honestly feel like I don't matter to anyone which is a terrifying place to be.

I am scared of dying but right now I am scared of living. People talk about pain being good in the long run but I just don't see how that can be true. I am in constant emotional pain with very little respite. I'm not sure I have options left any more.

Sunday 27 June 2010

So England lost. Germany won quite rightly as they were easily the better side, both technically and mentally. The lampard shot was clearly a goal and maybe, along with the Tevez goal later that evening, this will mean technology gets used in footie games and about time too.

But I don't hate the England team. I don't hate them or their manager or their fans. I hate the hooligan element of their fans but I hate the hooligan element of any fanbase. No my emnity is reserved purely for the media who once again assumed, due to England winning the World Cup ONCE, that they have some divine right to assume they will again simply because they qualified for the tournament. Is this the fault of the team? No, this is purely the media's doing.

I've seen members of my famiy be quite specific talking about "English scum". it's one thing to love your team, similarly to perhaps be playfully disdainful of rivals but hate? Its too much and is frankly why I'll never be a true footie fan. I love my team, but not to the point of hating another team, thats too far. I don't get it and moreover, I don't want to get it.

By all means hate violence, cruelty and abuse and those who would use them. Hate poverty and disease and those who cause them. Hate man's inhumanity to man. Hate those who claim to preach love whilst in reality they are preaching hate, intolerance and segregation and calling it an act of love. Hate the public's fascination with the vapid, the talentless, the brainless and the attention-greedy and show disdain for those who seem to see fame, and it's acquisition by any means necessary, as the goal rather than a side effect of having talent and becoming successful for that talent. And show disdain and derision for those who, either in small ways or large, abuse or misuse your trust. All these manifestations of hate and scorn I fully understand.

But hating a football team, or any sports team, simply because they are not your particular team? No, that I neither get, understand, nor wish to emulate. I am a fan of Manchester United and as a fan I want to see them do well. But do I hate their rivals like Chelsea, Liverpool, Manchester City and the rest? No, of course not. My loving one team does not mean by contrast I have to hate others. The two are not linked nor should they be and those who cannot separate those two principles, I don't know whether to hold them in contempt or pity them.

Of course, England are centuries old rivals to us Scots. Of course we enjoy the moments when we see our rivals beaten by our team. But should that rivalry become a poison in our soul that causes us to refer to the England team as "scum" and actually support the opposition? Clearly not. I support Scotland, and as such did not support England but I wasn't supporting the opposition either. i watched the game as a true neutral, willing neither side to win or lose but merely enjoying a game.

The media need to calm down. Already the first cries of "Capello out" and "we need an English manager" (forgetting their last English manager, Steve McLaren, was woeful in the job) have been sounded. I don't know what went wrong in the England camp that caused them to perform so dismally but they need to sort it. But the media need to get their commentary into perspective and be less full-on when it comes to talking up England. Yes, of the home nations England are the best team right now no question (and I accept that part of the Scottish bitterness may well be fuelled by jealousy) but they are not world beaters yet every World Cup and European Cham,pionship out come the pundits convinced that England are world beaters simply because once, many decades ago, they won the World Cup. 1966 was a lifetime ago, folks, and it needs to be forgotten and the new teams judged on their own merits, not on the presumptive past glories of others.

Sunday 21 March 2010

Presumption and assumption - and why it can be damaging!

I got into a strange argument earlier with someone. Not for the first time I was accused of being a self-pitier, someone who, they infer or outright accuse, only says negative things about themselves to engender sympathy. In short, that I am an attention seeker. I refute the claim but it made me think about these people and their motivation.

For my money, there are 3 kinds of people who speak only in negative terms. Firstly, there are those who do, as I have been accused of, say what they say to get attention and perhaps some consolement. Secondly, there are those who can easily see both the multi-coloured view of the world and the monochromatic view that is seen as pessimistic but chooses only to voice the negative. Thirdly there are people like me. People who have grown up without any great experience of, nor any real understanding of, the multi-coloured world and whose vision is entirely monochromatic. Our view of the world is not a conscious choice, it merely the reality of what we see. In short, we are being berated for our uncomfortable honesty.

I say uncomfortable because the people who make these accusations see the world in so many hues and shades and colours they cannot grasp the idea that others simply cannot. And because they cannot understand this simple truth they fall back on steroetypes and presumtive mistakes to try and align the person with their thoughts. As they cannot grasp the concept of a monochromatic view they assume we are making a conscious choice for whatever reason. The error lies not with the person with the monochromatic view, but with the aperson with the multi-coloured view.

So I say to these people this simple thing: Don't assume. Don't assume that someone with a bitter and negative view of the world is somehow faking it or attention seeking. Allow for the possibility, as it is a real poissibility, that what they see is all they can genuinely really see. Yes, such people have no doubt got serious issues to work through in order for them to start to see the colours, but don't dismiss. people in this position don't want either pity or sympathy, just maybe a little understanding and acceptance.

Also, don't ask someone "how are you?" if you aren't interested in the answer. if you are only asking out of some social norm then my advice is this: don't ask. It insults people if you ask them how they are when all you really want to hear is "I'm good thanks" or words to that effect. But if you do ask, then don't blame the person you are asking if you don't get a positive answer.

I was told I needed to get some rose-tinted glasses and lose the piss and vinegar ones. But that assumes that those glasses I wear are a choice, they aren't. As they are not for many people I am sure.

I am fortunate that thanks to my friends and role models like Amber Benson, I am beginning to see some of the colours but its a long struggle. I say that not to engender pity or sympathy, but because its the truth. Why should I lie about how I really feel just to make some stranger who makes assumptions can feel better? If they can't handle truthful answers to their questions then they shouldn't ask them.

Thursday 11 March 2010

Re-consideration - what a joke!

Yes, my reconsideration has come through and, unsurprisingly, I have been denied. Why? because iot seems that reconsiderations can only be granted in cases of clerical error or discrepency, not for medical error. So now I move on to the appeal process and this is where the system is even more rigged.

Firstly, the appeal can take up to 3 months to sort out, and sometimes longer. Meantime the £105 a week I was on will be slashed to £51 a week. Why? because I don't qualify for the top rate of Income Support (£64 a week) because I'm appealing. Yes folks, you get penalised for appealing against a decision. And somehow, this is considered fair by the powers that be.

Secondly, I have to prove I'm ill. Now this seems a no-brainer but its more complex. My doctor knows I am ill, and has the medical records to prove it. She has treated me for years. The assessor who has ruined my life for the moment met me for no more than 30, maybe 45 minutes at most and has decided (I beleive deliberately) to mark me as fit for work, over-riding my doctor. Now at an appeal, one would think in a civilised society that the doctor who has actually treated you and knows you would carry the greater weight in terms of evidence, but the reverse is true. the assessor has the advantage.

Fathom that for a moment. An assessor hears something or for some other reason takes a dislike to you, or is under orders from higher than they are to cull the herd. They can write up a report which is negative without sounding biased (intelligent people as they are) and this report, made under less than adequate circumstances in a short interview, is given more weight than your own doctor. The fix is in, the game is rigged and rigged entirely against the people who need help most.

I asked for the guidelines that the assessors must adhere to in order to reach decisions, so that I cna see for myself how a person of "sound mind and judgement" might have made an error at my medical assessment, and guess what? I'm not allowed those guidelines. Why? Could it be because a previous DWP employee told me that there are no guidelines, that assessors make completely arbitrary, subjective judgements, that are entirely based on opinion and their interpretation, rather than actual facts. opinions made in short time rather than an actual proper length of time. If an assessor excludes information, deliberately or otherwise, they are not accountable as you have to prove they did it deliberately which is almost impossible.

But what is worse, and what upsets me more than anything else, is that because of this I will not now get my daughter in the Summer. I have not seen my daughter since December 2008 and was looking forward to not only seeing her in the Summer when she came down, but in surprising her for her birthday. None of these can now happen. To say I am heartbroken is an understatement. There is already consderible distance between my daughter and I due to geography which ahs led to a distance in our relationship as I am pretty much just a voice on a phone now. It was a chance to build fences and bridges between us and also with my family, who have not seen her since Xmas 2007. We are all but strangers to her now. This news has put another nail in the coffin of my parenting and it is painful beyond words.

Right now I hate the world.

Monday 1 March 2010

Money becoming an issue

Another blog and another rant against a system which is as ludicrous as it is dehumanising.

I've still to hear back about my reconsideration, which could be today or up to another 2 weeks before I hear. The fact that, should be reconsideration be successful, they will backdate the money is not going to help me now. My Income Support form is in but that cna also take up to 2 weeks and so I find myself in a terrible situation - starve or beg for a loan from the very people who have put me in this situation in the first place.

Yes folks, the Crisis Loan looms and whilst it may solve my problems temporarily, it won't solve them in the long term. But there is something deeply sinister about all of this, I feel. I am unable to get a grant as I dont qualify as I will only be looking for food which it appears is very difficult to get and i have tried to get a Crisis Loan before and there are so many hoops to jump through it makes getting one next to impossible.

However what galls me is this: The DWP make a horrendous mistake with regards to my benefits. They drag their feet (deliberately so IMHO) in coming to a response about my reconsideration (I beleive to try and get people to take a different benefit instead so they can refuse you with a clear conscience, although that rather pre-supposes that they have a conscience which i truly doubt) and then place me in a position where I then have to beg for money from them to live on. Money I would then, in the most perverse part of it all, I'd have to pay back once they rectify their error. And the strange thing, is that if I were to treat them as they have treated me I would be at fault whilst they are whiter than white, purer than pure and untouchable.

Corruption is at the very heart of the DWP and personally I believe it needs a serious re-evaluation. Not only in terms of its working practices but also its staff. i personally think that those who have dealt with me at Coatbridge deserve to be fired. But heyl, telling them that will only ensure that I get nothing as they are vindictively petty.

My last blog was the scared man, this blog is the terrified and angry man. But what i truly am is disheartened and to be honest, disillusioned man. Disillusioned with the world and disillusioned with living. Should my reconsideration go against me, given all the distress they have already caused me and knowing that it will sound the death knell on any chance I have of seeing my daughter in the Summer, I just won't go on. My life means very little to these people, but maybe my death might wake them from their callous complacency.

Friday 26 February 2010

Medical Assessors - the fix is in!

Been a while since I needed to rant and rave at the stupidity of the world but this was needed.

For many years now i have had to deal with the nightmare of clinical, borderline manic, depression and social anxiety and paranoia that accompanies it. it means that at this juncture, i am simply too emotional, too highly strung, to be safe to work with. As such i have been on Incapacity Benefit for many years. The main reason for my current condition was I suffered a nervous breakdown due to being falsely accused of molesting my child. It devastated me.

Last December, as can sometimes happen, I was called in by the Government and their agents the Department for Work and Pensions (DWP) for a assessment to prove that i am unwell. I sat with an independant assessor for a 30 minute interview. In that interviw I explained my mental and emotional constraints clearly and moreover, what had been the trigger. When he heard that, the interview changed. He gave me a look of "no smoke without fire" and from that point on, I was swimming against the stream.

I was told I would hear back from them within 2-4 weeks. 9 weeks later I receive the news that my Incapacity Benefit had been stopped due to the assessor stating I was fully fit for work and completely ignoring not only what i had said, but also the notes of my doctor. A 30 minute interview that has changed my life for the worse.

What is worse is the system for appealing. I was distraught and weeping as I called to try and find out why i had been taken off benefits, only to dioscover that there is a points-based system. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am not a human being, merely a name and numbers. It seems that I was merely 3 points short, and I had identified 9 points that the assessor had missed out ( I beleive quite deliberately).

Now comes the highly dodgy part. There is no objective test, no objective guidelines, for the assessor, or anyone looking to my appeal, has to go by or be held to. They cna, for any number of reasons including personal dislike or political pressure, mark against you and worse, you really have no comeback because the only people you can genuinely appeal to are the very people shafting you. Its an in-house system and that can only lead to one thing - wholesale and widespread corruption.

What is truly worrying, is that we are talking about a benefit paid out to those who are at their most vulnerable - the physically, mentally and emotionally infirm - and these people have no real protection as there is no objective code of conduct, no objective standards that must be adhered to. We are at the mercy of subjective opinion based on fleeting interviews and are then unable to truly fend for ourselves and we cannot even contact anyone within that organsiation for clarity as to what objective tests if any there are to protect the vulnerable.

It seems that facts and truth are irrelevant. personal prejudice or political machinations are more likely to decide your fate than whether or not you are a genuine case for help.

I know many take the system for granted, and many abuse it and the Government is right to pursue those people. But it must not, in its zeal to look efective, stomp on the weakest to make itself look tough. These are not the actions of leaders but of tyrants.

I have no idea what will happen to me. The Coatbridge Office that deals with the claims in our area come across as a very incompetent lot (who have consistently given me misleading or inaccurate information) and I also fear are very petty. In a moment of honest frustration, desperation and distress I snapped when given false information after false information and I honestly believe they are petty and vindictive enough to hold that against me.

If they do, and I state this now, then I no longer wish to live in this country. Sadly I cannot and will not be able to afford a passport so it will be the end of me I feel. There are times when I don't want to live, and this is definitely one of those days.