Feeling very alone!

I'm not sure when it started, or more accurately when I first really felt it, but for the past few months I've begun to feel something I've never really felt before to any great extent, and that is isolated.

I live on my own, and live away from the vast majority of my friends and all my family. I've never regretted that decision, as I needed to heal and I still don't regret it, as I still need to heal. But its not physical distance that is causing this feeling of isolation for me, but an emotional one.

I feel like I've all but lost my daughter. For weeks now getting to speak to her on the phone has been a quest in itself. I always call at the same times every week. I did this to provide her some structure amongst the chaos of her home life. her Mum was ill and unreliable so I was determined that my daughter could count on me and that she knew when I would call her. But now it seems that has all been for nought.

The most heartbreaking point has been last night. Having not been able to contact my daughter in over a week I even called her mobile phone (which has a notoriously bad signal even when I do get her) to again, no answer. So I texted her instead, asking her to actually be home so I could call her. I got a reply, asking who I was. I replied "your Dad" (albeit in text speak shorthand). I got a further reply, saying that the person sending the text was sitting beside their dad so who the hell was I. I replied, apologising and explaining that the humber had been my daughter's. I got another reply, telling me that I was not to text again and calling me a fucking bastard (although both words were mis-spelt). It would appear that either my daughter doesn't think me important enough to give me her new number or it was her and she truly despises me. Whatever the reason, it has left me feeling empty inside.

The natural reaction is to turn to friends or family. But my friends get enough of my worries and woes and I do not wish to burden them further and I am so distant emotionally from my family these days I don't even think to contact them (though I did last night to try and get Saffron's number).

So I now feel lonelier than I have ever felt. But for the first time, I feel alone, which I have never felt before. its no-one's fault its just the way it is. I've always been odd, but for the first time I honestly feel like I don't matter to anyone which is a terrifying place to be.

I am scared of dying but right now I am scared of living. People talk about pain being good in the long run but I just don't see how that can be true. I am in constant emotional pain with very little respite. I'm not sure I have options left any more.