Why I am still angry over Buffy season 6

I was recently, for a couple of weeks, on a Buffy discussion forum. I had thought that I was over my anger regarding the Magic Addiction storyline and the killing off of the character of Tara. But as the debate raged on and I made what I believed to be salient points I realised two things. One was that many of the posters not only didn't agree with me but were annoyed that I didn't agree with them. But secondly, I realised I still have within me a most profound sadness over the death of Tara.

In 2000 I suffered a breakdown. After years of having to put up with a drunken bully of a father and an over-bearing mother I ended up meeting a woman and we had a very short relationship (some 3 weeks). However within that time she got pregnant. This terrified me as I had not wanted to be a father, scared I would be as a bad a father to my own children as mine had to me. But I stepped up to the mark as best I could and it wasn't long before I bonded with my daughter Saffron.

Her mother was erratic however, an alcoholic who was in and out of psychiatric hospital (always to tie in with my holidays). Eventually I had enough and threatened her with custody (being an unmarried father at that time I had no legal rights). It was then that, in order to ensure I would never succeed, I was accused of molesting my child. I was interviewed by the police and thankfully no further action was taken (although to this day I don't know if its because they realised I was innocent or they didn't think they could get me). This allegation, on top of being in a job I despised, and my emotional problems due to my father, caused me to have a full metnal and emotional breakdown.

I eventually moved away, but it was a mixed blessing. The friend I had up here had gotten me here under the pretext of me starting afresh though it quickly became apparent I was there to be at her beck and call. If I didn't feel up to going where she wanted, when she wanted, she would not call for days, sometimes weeks, leaving me completely isolated.

But then, as a way of escaping all that pain, I found myself watching Buffy. Season 5 had just started on BBC2 and it was 45 minutes of peace. And there was the character of Tara, a character whom I could relate to in a very real way. And I saw a character that had come from an abusive background but had found love, friendship, some inner peace. A good person, kind and compassionate. Soppy though it may be to say it, but with all the turbulence in my life, she was a place of safety.

And then came season 6 and the death of Tara. I maintain still that the storyline it was part of simply wasn't anywhere near strong enough to justify such an extreme measure but more over, I saw a glimmer of hope snuffed out. My place of safety was gone, and I was devastated, and hurt. Even typing this now I am doing so in tears as it is such a difficult subject.

I guess then for me it is deeply personal. Tara may have been a fictional character but the hope and safety she inspired was very real and the death of that hope was also terribly, terribly real.

So it still upsets me, still leaves me distraught. 37 years old and I get distraught over the death of a fictional character. Its not logical, its purely emotional, but it is what it is.