What I mean by the title is that there are two ways to look at free to own RPGs (mostly pdf's). Either you view them as cheap and wouldn't have made any real money if they had been released to the market or you see them as very good games that could have made money but for one reason or another have been released free to own.
My opinion is that they are certainly worth a look. Yes some undoubtedly will be cheap and cheerless and really not much cop at all but others may very well be worth your look.
There are many games available as free to own pdf's that fall into the category of retro games such as "Basic Fantasy", "Labyrinth Lord" and "Mazes & Minotaurs". Whilst a lot of these games harken back to AD&D 1st edition for their inspiration and can be quite clunky they are also, in my humble opinion, ideal for beginner players. Why? Because the games are usually well thought out, easy to read and understand, simple enough so that new players can grasp the concepts without bombarding them with too much information early on and given the price tag, exceptional value for money. Now yes the person getting them will need to buy paper and ink for the printer and so on but even factoring those costs in you still end up coming out ahead. Get a few sets of dice and you and your players are raring to go. I also found official products released by West End Games for their D6 system, which are free to own on pdf from retailers like DriveThruRPG.com which included a fantasy system which would be very generic for sure but also very easy to use and run for beginners.
Why my interest in beginners? because unless our hobby gets new people interested it will literally die with us. And if free to own retro games get people interested in the hobby that they might want to check out some of the current crop of games that are out there for sale, then I say all the better.
So in closing shop around and look for some of these free games and check them out. You may find an RPG there that will suit your needs perfectly.
Here are some links for some of the free RPG's I mentioned:
Basic fantasy: http://www.basicfantasy.org/
Labyrinth Lord: http://www.goblinoidgames.com/labyrinthlord.html
Mazes & Minotaurs: http://mazesandminotaurs.free.fr/revised.html
D6 Fantasy (also D6 Space and D6 Adventure): http://www.sycarion.com/open-d6-pdfs/
Legendary Quest: http://legendaryquest.netfirms.com/
Dungeon Slayer: http://www.dungeonslayers.com/
Other games are available free from DriveThruRPG.com Just put in an advanced search for items costing $0.00 and a list of supplements free trial gamesa and full RPG rules systems comes up. its a great way to see a lot of stuff for no cash at all.
Should give you guys things to think about :)
Wednesday, 20 June 2012
Sunday, 17 June 2012
RPGs - Where are the Beginner's Games?
One of the things that has concerned me for some years now, has been a trend amongst RPGs to become ever more complex. I understand the motivation behind it, that players want real flexibility in character creation and choices hence the inclusion of skills and advantages/disadvantages and combat options and feats of all kinds. Whilst this is as i say understandable it does leave the question of how do we as a hobby get new players involved, especially in this age of computer RPGs and MMORPGs?
Recently, I saw "beginner's box sets" for 2 games that are amongst the biggest sellers in RPGs, namely D&D 4th edition and Pathfinder. I myself bought my daughter a few years ago a box set that was pretty much an introduction to D&D 3rd edition. All these box sets have the same essential components and the same flaw. The components are simplified versions of the Player's handbook and DM's Guides, along with a map for figures (and sometimes some figures or cardboard cut outs) and some dice. These sets go for roughly £20-£25 and are for the most part clear, concise and well laid out. I haven't tried the beginner's box sets for pathfinder and D&D 4th but from watching Youtube clips and reviews they seem similarly laid out and very much designed to get new players introduced to their parent systems, but in a gentler way than paying out for the appropriate corebooks for the parent game. It sounds like a good deal yes? My answer is, sort of.
Some people play RPGs and instantly become a fan. others play and like the concept but perhaps not that particular game or that particular rule set or setting or genre and it just becomes a matter of finding the one that fits. Others play and whilst they think its okay they don't make a hobby of it and others yet play but it really doesnt grab them like they thought or hoped or assumed it would. Depending on which group you fall into, the beginner's set becomes a different proposition.
Taking the groups in reverse order, starting with those who play but don't really get into it or those who get into it but not in a major hobby way, the beginner's sets are not a bad deal at all. Why? because if they aren't getting into the hobby then the game becomes just another boardgame amongst others that can either be tossed away or donated or kept for the occasional game. In that respect the asking price doesn't seem too high. Similarly if the concept sounds good but the genre or rules doesn't fit then the asking price is similarly not too bad compared to the near £50 one would pay for the corebooks for either Pathfinder or D&D 4th edition (3rd edition being out of print can be picked up relatively cheaply 2nd hand if you shop smartly).
But what if playing one of these beginner's sets gives you the gaming bug and you want to purchase the main rules? Then the beginner's set losed a great deal of its lustre and looks a lot more cynical. You see the corebooks aren't the next stage up from the beginner's set. They repeat everything that is in the beginner's set and just adds more stuff. In other words the only real difference between buying the core books straight away and buying the beginner's set first is that you have spent more if you buy the beginner's box set as all the corebooks still need to be bought to play the game proper.
So what is the answer to this conundrum? Well, back in the mists of time at the dawn of the hobby some bright spark thought it would be smart to release a beginner's set dealing with the simple core rules, and then releasing add on sets dealing with ever higher characters and rules, gently easing the gamer into the rules rather than bombarding them. it also meant that the beginner's box set (this is classic Dungeons & Dragons I'm talking about here of course) wasn't replaced by corebooks but was a corebook itself that was then added to buy subsequent releases. I have noticed that the Dragon Age RPG, released recently by Green Ronin publishing, is going back to that method of releasing and I honestly believe that it is the way to go. it would also ensure that the often excessive price tags placed on games these days due to the sheer volume of the tomes can be more evenly spread out.
So I would urge gamjes manufacturers to go back to the simpler method of incremental releases, that would at least bring new players into our hobby rather than overloading them with huge volumes at excessive prices. We risk pricing ourselves out of existence, both intellectually and fiscally, if we don't start looking at this issue.
Recently, I saw "beginner's box sets" for 2 games that are amongst the biggest sellers in RPGs, namely D&D 4th edition and Pathfinder. I myself bought my daughter a few years ago a box set that was pretty much an introduction to D&D 3rd edition. All these box sets have the same essential components and the same flaw. The components are simplified versions of the Player's handbook and DM's Guides, along with a map for figures (and sometimes some figures or cardboard cut outs) and some dice. These sets go for roughly £20-£25 and are for the most part clear, concise and well laid out. I haven't tried the beginner's box sets for pathfinder and D&D 4th but from watching Youtube clips and reviews they seem similarly laid out and very much designed to get new players introduced to their parent systems, but in a gentler way than paying out for the appropriate corebooks for the parent game. It sounds like a good deal yes? My answer is, sort of.
Some people play RPGs and instantly become a fan. others play and like the concept but perhaps not that particular game or that particular rule set or setting or genre and it just becomes a matter of finding the one that fits. Others play and whilst they think its okay they don't make a hobby of it and others yet play but it really doesnt grab them like they thought or hoped or assumed it would. Depending on which group you fall into, the beginner's set becomes a different proposition.
Taking the groups in reverse order, starting with those who play but don't really get into it or those who get into it but not in a major hobby way, the beginner's sets are not a bad deal at all. Why? because if they aren't getting into the hobby then the game becomes just another boardgame amongst others that can either be tossed away or donated or kept for the occasional game. In that respect the asking price doesn't seem too high. Similarly if the concept sounds good but the genre or rules doesn't fit then the asking price is similarly not too bad compared to the near £50 one would pay for the corebooks for either Pathfinder or D&D 4th edition (3rd edition being out of print can be picked up relatively cheaply 2nd hand if you shop smartly).
But what if playing one of these beginner's sets gives you the gaming bug and you want to purchase the main rules? Then the beginner's set losed a great deal of its lustre and looks a lot more cynical. You see the corebooks aren't the next stage up from the beginner's set. They repeat everything that is in the beginner's set and just adds more stuff. In other words the only real difference between buying the core books straight away and buying the beginner's set first is that you have spent more if you buy the beginner's box set as all the corebooks still need to be bought to play the game proper.
So what is the answer to this conundrum? Well, back in the mists of time at the dawn of the hobby some bright spark thought it would be smart to release a beginner's set dealing with the simple core rules, and then releasing add on sets dealing with ever higher characters and rules, gently easing the gamer into the rules rather than bombarding them. it also meant that the beginner's box set (this is classic Dungeons & Dragons I'm talking about here of course) wasn't replaced by corebooks but was a corebook itself that was then added to buy subsequent releases. I have noticed that the Dragon Age RPG, released recently by Green Ronin publishing, is going back to that method of releasing and I honestly believe that it is the way to go. it would also ensure that the often excessive price tags placed on games these days due to the sheer volume of the tomes can be more evenly spread out.
So I would urge gamjes manufacturers to go back to the simpler method of incremental releases, that would at least bring new players into our hobby rather than overloading them with huge volumes at excessive prices. We risk pricing ourselves out of existence, both intellectually and fiscally, if we don't start looking at this issue.
Role-Playing Games - An overview of mine and why I like them!
I have decided to do a series of articles about Role-Playing Games. Why? Because it is something I am very positively passionate about (and will make a change from my usual rants on this thread) and I honestly do feel that RPG's deserve a far bigger audience than they already have. Computer RPGs have certainly grown in popularity over the years and I honestly feel that their Pen & paper parents deserve as much success. So sit back and let me start off with an overview of the games I play on a regular or semi-regular basis and why I like them.
Castle Falkenstein: This is a fantasy game, though one not set in a Tolkeinesque pseudo-medieval world as so many fantasy games are but in an alternative Victorian society with magic, dragons, Fey and Steampunk technology all around. I bought this game back in the early 90's when it was first released and it has pretty much been my number one system ever since. The reasons for this as numerous. Firstly, the mechanics (rules system) itself is elegant and simple, using playing cards rather than the usual polyhedral dice for task resolution. This allows the players to use a little more in the way of tactics in their game which my players have taken to very quickly. Secondly, the world itself is evocative and given the time period, allows for many different sorts of adventures. I never have any trouble coming up with plot ideas for CF games as I can easily run games that are thrilling espionage tales, games of gothic horror, games of the wild west or just simple variances on classic High Fantasy. The mixture of the Victorian setting, steampunk technology and fantasy elements allows for a myriad of gaming styles. Thirdly, being a rules lite system it really does allow for some actual Role-Playing rather than constantly relying on the dice. As a GM I am heavily into getting Role-Playing into my games and CF is one of the best examples I've seen.
Kult: A game of modern day horror that is also as easily used for a modern day setting without supernatural elements, thus making it an ideal modern setting. The mechanics are extremely simple, requiring only one 20-sided die to resolve all task resolutions (including damage resolution) making it very easy for a beginner to pick up and use (although unlike some of the other games I will mention, Kult is by nature of its atmosphere, not the best game for a beginner to play). Character creation is pretty straightforward, minimizing dice rolling in favour of the points system that was so en vogue during the 90's, allowing for a widely differing characters even if they start from the same stock template. Players do mention the lethality of the system (it really can kill you with a single punch, let alone a single shot) but it is a game of dark and terrible horror so the lethality does fit in with it. Some of the creatures (okay let's be honest, ALL of the creatures) are extremely difficult to kill whilst it is extremely easy for them to kill you, which does present a GM with a huge problem when trying to get a balance right. I think I have now, by really focusing on psychological horror, and the slow build up of tension over many inter-connected scenarios, rather than go all out for blood and guts. The gamebook I have carries with it a warning that no one under 16 should play. I upped that to 18, only system I'd never let a younger teen near.
Call Of Cthulhu: One of the grand old masters of RPGs, and the game by which al other horror games are judged, CoC is a classic that has earned its respect. Character creation is simple as are the mechanics and it allows the GM (or Keeper of Arcane Lore as he/she is known as in CoC) to instead concentrate on atmosphere. based obviously on the works of H.P. Lovecraft and his successors, it strives to really get the atmosphere right, rather than be a stalk and slash horror. Whilst not as psychologically harrowing and deadly as Kult, its still a pretty lethal game (as it should be, its a horror after all) and I've run many a fun game (short scenario and longer campaign) with this system.
Dungeons & Dragons (Basic): The game that started it all off for me back in the mid-80's. The old Red Box with the basic Rules for levels 1-3 caught my imagination and when a friend of mine bought it I was hooked. Since then I got the Expert, Companion and Master rules sets that followed it to fully flesh out the world. Whilst the game system would seem a little abstract to some gamers today, I think there is much to love about old faithful D&D and I do at times give thought to pulling out the old books again. I'd also say that for someone starting in the hobby, they could do a whole lot worse than get this set 2nd hand as it really is the perfect intro to fantasy RPGs.
Palladium Fantasy RPG: Off the back of the success of games like Advanced Dungeons & Dragons and Runequest, came this little known but excellent RPG from Palladium Books. Character creation is pretty long-winded (not helped by the terrible way the rulebook is set out) but it does allow for some very unique characters making their way in the world. Anyone who has played D&D/AD&D will pick up the basics of combat and the like very quickly as the mechanics are almost identical (even if the stats aren't). The tone is certainly more mature and dark than the high fantasy style of D&D/AD&D so not really a game for younger teens but for older teens and adults this is a perfect game.
Pendragon: I have the 4th edition of these lovely rules, depicting adventure and high romance in the time of King Arthur. Very in-depth character creation really gets to the heart of the character as more than a few numbers on a page. Wonderful as a game but not really one that can be played as a short one-off scenario as it really demands campaign play and as such I have sadly rarely used it fully but I do love it very much.
MERP: Middle-Earth is a fantastic classic game from the 1980's which gives the rules and background to adventure in the world of Tolkein. A very simple set of rules (just an awful lot of tables) which I think any half intelligent beginner could pick up and learn fairly easily. And the crit tables are laugh out loud funny as the people writing it definitely employ a real sense of gallows humour.
Buffy: Yes the RPG of the series and its very good. Simple rules very much designed with beginners in mind and the rulebook goes to great lengths to get the atmosphere just right. I would also say at this point that the Angel RPG and the Ghosts Of Albion RPG, all use the same system and can be used with each other so yes, you could have a game where Willow & Tara arrive via a spell in Victorian London to help William & Tamara (now that could be a metaphysical experience).
Other games I've used but to a lesser extent over the years are: Star Wars (D6), Nephilim, Traveller, Dragon Warriors and Space Master. I may do my thoughts on these games in a separate blog but next, a quick intro to RPG's for the beginner.
Castle Falkenstein: This is a fantasy game, though one not set in a Tolkeinesque pseudo-medieval world as so many fantasy games are but in an alternative Victorian society with magic, dragons, Fey and Steampunk technology all around. I bought this game back in the early 90's when it was first released and it has pretty much been my number one system ever since. The reasons for this as numerous. Firstly, the mechanics (rules system) itself is elegant and simple, using playing cards rather than the usual polyhedral dice for task resolution. This allows the players to use a little more in the way of tactics in their game which my players have taken to very quickly. Secondly, the world itself is evocative and given the time period, allows for many different sorts of adventures. I never have any trouble coming up with plot ideas for CF games as I can easily run games that are thrilling espionage tales, games of gothic horror, games of the wild west or just simple variances on classic High Fantasy. The mixture of the Victorian setting, steampunk technology and fantasy elements allows for a myriad of gaming styles. Thirdly, being a rules lite system it really does allow for some actual Role-Playing rather than constantly relying on the dice. As a GM I am heavily into getting Role-Playing into my games and CF is one of the best examples I've seen.
Kult: A game of modern day horror that is also as easily used for a modern day setting without supernatural elements, thus making it an ideal modern setting. The mechanics are extremely simple, requiring only one 20-sided die to resolve all task resolutions (including damage resolution) making it very easy for a beginner to pick up and use (although unlike some of the other games I will mention, Kult is by nature of its atmosphere, not the best game for a beginner to play). Character creation is pretty straightforward, minimizing dice rolling in favour of the points system that was so en vogue during the 90's, allowing for a widely differing characters even if they start from the same stock template. Players do mention the lethality of the system (it really can kill you with a single punch, let alone a single shot) but it is a game of dark and terrible horror so the lethality does fit in with it. Some of the creatures (okay let's be honest, ALL of the creatures) are extremely difficult to kill whilst it is extremely easy for them to kill you, which does present a GM with a huge problem when trying to get a balance right. I think I have now, by really focusing on psychological horror, and the slow build up of tension over many inter-connected scenarios, rather than go all out for blood and guts. The gamebook I have carries with it a warning that no one under 16 should play. I upped that to 18, only system I'd never let a younger teen near.
Call Of Cthulhu: One of the grand old masters of RPGs, and the game by which al other horror games are judged, CoC is a classic that has earned its respect. Character creation is simple as are the mechanics and it allows the GM (or Keeper of Arcane Lore as he/she is known as in CoC) to instead concentrate on atmosphere. based obviously on the works of H.P. Lovecraft and his successors, it strives to really get the atmosphere right, rather than be a stalk and slash horror. Whilst not as psychologically harrowing and deadly as Kult, its still a pretty lethal game (as it should be, its a horror after all) and I've run many a fun game (short scenario and longer campaign) with this system.
Dungeons & Dragons (Basic): The game that started it all off for me back in the mid-80's. The old Red Box with the basic Rules for levels 1-3 caught my imagination and when a friend of mine bought it I was hooked. Since then I got the Expert, Companion and Master rules sets that followed it to fully flesh out the world. Whilst the game system would seem a little abstract to some gamers today, I think there is much to love about old faithful D&D and I do at times give thought to pulling out the old books again. I'd also say that for someone starting in the hobby, they could do a whole lot worse than get this set 2nd hand as it really is the perfect intro to fantasy RPGs.
Palladium Fantasy RPG: Off the back of the success of games like Advanced Dungeons & Dragons and Runequest, came this little known but excellent RPG from Palladium Books. Character creation is pretty long-winded (not helped by the terrible way the rulebook is set out) but it does allow for some very unique characters making their way in the world. Anyone who has played D&D/AD&D will pick up the basics of combat and the like very quickly as the mechanics are almost identical (even if the stats aren't). The tone is certainly more mature and dark than the high fantasy style of D&D/AD&D so not really a game for younger teens but for older teens and adults this is a perfect game.
Pendragon: I have the 4th edition of these lovely rules, depicting adventure and high romance in the time of King Arthur. Very in-depth character creation really gets to the heart of the character as more than a few numbers on a page. Wonderful as a game but not really one that can be played as a short one-off scenario as it really demands campaign play and as such I have sadly rarely used it fully but I do love it very much.
MERP: Middle-Earth is a fantastic classic game from the 1980's which gives the rules and background to adventure in the world of Tolkein. A very simple set of rules (just an awful lot of tables) which I think any half intelligent beginner could pick up and learn fairly easily. And the crit tables are laugh out loud funny as the people writing it definitely employ a real sense of gallows humour.
Buffy: Yes the RPG of the series and its very good. Simple rules very much designed with beginners in mind and the rulebook goes to great lengths to get the atmosphere just right. I would also say at this point that the Angel RPG and the Ghosts Of Albion RPG, all use the same system and can be used with each other so yes, you could have a game where Willow & Tara arrive via a spell in Victorian London to help William & Tamara (now that could be a metaphysical experience).
Other games I've used but to a lesser extent over the years are: Star Wars (D6), Nephilim, Traveller, Dragon Warriors and Space Master. I may do my thoughts on these games in a separate blog but next, a quick intro to RPG's for the beginner.
Tuesday, 15 May 2012
Don't want to start any blasphemous rumours BUT....
Okay, I see a lot of posts from organisations like GLAAD and HRC and various other gay rights publications and invariably it deals with either a position by the church or some politician or political party holding homophobic views based on their religious beliefs. Essentially saying that God doesn't like gays, or more accurately gay people having sex with each other, and finds such acts an "Abomination". But let's look at this logically for a minute.
Gay sex is an abomination unto the Lord the Bible says. Okay, but so is eating shellfish or wearing a garment made of two different threads. Are we seeing church leaders campaigning against oyster bars or stores that sell poly/cotton blend shirts? Do we see them demand those who like oysters on the half shell or wear the above garment being denied rights for doing something which, according to their God, is as bad as having sexual intercourse with someone of the same gender? Of course not, because the idea is ludicrous and even they would say that "this rule doesn't apply now" and yet the gay sex thing does. This is inconsistency, a double standard which they dont even try and explain away but fall back on an argumentative line of "well God doesnt like them" which is impossible to refute (even though given their own standards of evidence is impossible to confirm either).
But does God have any moral standing on this at all? I mean this is the being who, if the Bible is to be take as read, has no problem with slavery. Certainly he also has no problem with Infanticide and seemingly no problem with incest either. So we are left with a Supreme being who is suppsedly against polycotton shirts, eating oysters and gay sex and yet for slavery, incest and infanticide. is it just me or is this God really off morally?
I will leave that question for others to answer on their own, for me it is simply a sign that whilst the Bible does have some good ideas, it is extremely backwards in other regards and the ones who espouse it as all get out really need to do their homework and realise this simple truth: This book was written for a specific peoples at a specific time in a specific place under very specific circumstances and should not be assumed to still apply to us, here and now in our circumstances. I'm not saying ditch the Bible, or for that matter ditch faith, but I do say we need to get it into proper context and perspective before more innocent lives are ruined for the sake of this religion which whilst supposedly being about love, seems hellbent on embracing hate.
Gay sex is an abomination unto the Lord the Bible says. Okay, but so is eating shellfish or wearing a garment made of two different threads. Are we seeing church leaders campaigning against oyster bars or stores that sell poly/cotton blend shirts? Do we see them demand those who like oysters on the half shell or wear the above garment being denied rights for doing something which, according to their God, is as bad as having sexual intercourse with someone of the same gender? Of course not, because the idea is ludicrous and even they would say that "this rule doesn't apply now" and yet the gay sex thing does. This is inconsistency, a double standard which they dont even try and explain away but fall back on an argumentative line of "well God doesnt like them" which is impossible to refute (even though given their own standards of evidence is impossible to confirm either).
But does God have any moral standing on this at all? I mean this is the being who, if the Bible is to be take as read, has no problem with slavery. Certainly he also has no problem with Infanticide and seemingly no problem with incest either. So we are left with a Supreme being who is suppsedly against polycotton shirts, eating oysters and gay sex and yet for slavery, incest and infanticide. is it just me or is this God really off morally?
I will leave that question for others to answer on their own, for me it is simply a sign that whilst the Bible does have some good ideas, it is extremely backwards in other regards and the ones who espouse it as all get out really need to do their homework and realise this simple truth: This book was written for a specific peoples at a specific time in a specific place under very specific circumstances and should not be assumed to still apply to us, here and now in our circumstances. I'm not saying ditch the Bible, or for that matter ditch faith, but I do say we need to get it into proper context and perspective before more innocent lives are ruined for the sake of this religion which whilst supposedly being about love, seems hellbent on embracing hate.
Tuesday, 1 May 2012
Never ending fire in the smoke!!
So, just when I think the nightmare might be behind me, that the past is finally buried and that the clouds are lifting, I am reminded at just how much my past will forever haunt me.
I joined a dating site, nothing unusual and actually talked to someone on it. I saw her due to a post that she had given where she disagreed with the notion of child abusers having ot have a sign post in their garden as she felt it would encourage vigilante's. I replied to her saying that i agreed that it could and also there is the possibility that the person was innocent, and in those circumstances they shouldn't be persecuted at all. I intimated that I knew this from personal experience to a degree.
In reply she asked me what that experience was and in my subsequent reply I told her. i told her I had been falsely accused of molesting my daughter, that I was never charged or even arrested but the very notion of an accusation was enough to cause my mental breakdown that I still suffer from to this day.
her reply? That whilst she sympathised with me and hoped I could put it behind me she has children and as such she couldnt take the chance that it might even be remotely true. No smoke without fire she feels.
Is that to be what is left of my life? To live alone because of that? Am I to be assumed guilty by accusation alone (even though there was no evidence to back up the accusation, as no abuse took place)? if so, what is my hope, realistically, of finding any love and happiness in this world if I am to be forever tainted with these lies? And if that is the case, if these lies are to dog me for the rest of my life, then I honestly want my life over. Gone, done, finished.
I dont want to be alone all my life. I dont want to wake up each day to the emptiness. But it appears that due to the lies of one person, I am cursed to that. And right now, its a curse I dont want.
I joined a dating site, nothing unusual and actually talked to someone on it. I saw her due to a post that she had given where she disagreed with the notion of child abusers having ot have a sign post in their garden as she felt it would encourage vigilante's. I replied to her saying that i agreed that it could and also there is the possibility that the person was innocent, and in those circumstances they shouldn't be persecuted at all. I intimated that I knew this from personal experience to a degree.
In reply she asked me what that experience was and in my subsequent reply I told her. i told her I had been falsely accused of molesting my daughter, that I was never charged or even arrested but the very notion of an accusation was enough to cause my mental breakdown that I still suffer from to this day.
her reply? That whilst she sympathised with me and hoped I could put it behind me she has children and as such she couldnt take the chance that it might even be remotely true. No smoke without fire she feels.
Is that to be what is left of my life? To live alone because of that? Am I to be assumed guilty by accusation alone (even though there was no evidence to back up the accusation, as no abuse took place)? if so, what is my hope, realistically, of finding any love and happiness in this world if I am to be forever tainted with these lies? And if that is the case, if these lies are to dog me for the rest of my life, then I honestly want my life over. Gone, done, finished.
I dont want to be alone all my life. I dont want to wake up each day to the emptiness. But it appears that due to the lies of one person, I am cursed to that. And right now, its a curse I dont want.
Wednesday, 15 February 2012
The Kitten Board and Buffy Season 6!
So a guy called DrLloyd is doing a history of The Kitten Board from its beginnings as merely a Willow & Tara fan board through its period of being (and to some extent still is) a protest board over the death of Tara and the introduction of Kennedy. 10 years have passed since that fateful run up to the episode "Seeing Red". Given the passing decade, have my views on Season 6 and Tara's death changed at all?
Truth is, if anything my feelings have merely become better expressed. Whilst I certainly no longer feel the raging anger and feeling of betrayal towards Joss that I once did, nor has anything in the passing 10 years made me feel that he has made any real attempt to make what I feel are well overdue and obvious amends.
The more I see Season 6, and I have watched season 6 again since the original transmission (the wonders of DVD) it makes even less logical sense now to kill off Tara than it did then, and it made no sense then. I will probably at some point write some great tome, pouring over every point and principle involved in what I see as a colossal mistake that blighted the show and a very positive storyline for LGBT people and others (I belong in the others category) and for no real gain, either critically or commercially. But worse yet, they lost the moral argument, and that is a shameful indictment of Joss.
Truth is, its all too late to do anything. Buffy finished the following season, unable to get back the mass exodus it lost when Tara died, and the comic book has really done nothing other than underline that point. Joss is unable to accept blame which is his perogative but it does leave me thinking less of him as a person as well as a writer.
Truth is, if anything my feelings have merely become better expressed. Whilst I certainly no longer feel the raging anger and feeling of betrayal towards Joss that I once did, nor has anything in the passing 10 years made me feel that he has made any real attempt to make what I feel are well overdue and obvious amends.
The more I see Season 6, and I have watched season 6 again since the original transmission (the wonders of DVD) it makes even less logical sense now to kill off Tara than it did then, and it made no sense then. I will probably at some point write some great tome, pouring over every point and principle involved in what I see as a colossal mistake that blighted the show and a very positive storyline for LGBT people and others (I belong in the others category) and for no real gain, either critically or commercially. But worse yet, they lost the moral argument, and that is a shameful indictment of Joss.
Truth is, its all too late to do anything. Buffy finished the following season, unable to get back the mass exodus it lost when Tara died, and the comic book has really done nothing other than underline that point. Joss is unable to accept blame which is his perogative but it does leave me thinking less of him as a person as well as a writer.
The Diet!
Yes I am on a diet, one that is self-inflicted so I cant blame others. Nor can I blame others for the causes of needing the diet.
The causes? Simple enough a lack of a decent diet (in so much as foodstuffs) and exercise (it appears sadly that masturbation does not count as an exercise routine). Add to that my general state of not really giving a damn about myself and the meds I'm on having the effect of slowing my metabolism down and the result is over weight me.
So why the diet? Well its not for reasons of vanity, I simply cannot summon up enough self-esteem to even care moderately about my looks or if I attract others based on the belief that no matter what I did, short of a full body transplant, it would not make any more physically appealing. No my reasons are health ones.
At Xmas it became apparent to me at the dinner table that I really had put on pounds and then some. A shirt a friend had bought me wouldn't fit (truth is it was probably too small to begin with but it still made me embarrassed) and my own shirt was nearly bursting loose after the meal. Although my weight had nothing to do with my spending the next 24 hours after the meal throwing up at every opportunity, it did make me feel that it was time for a change. Also, whilst I hold little love for myself, I would definitely hurt my loved ones if they saw me die and being somewhat of a fatalist I felt I was heading that way, or at the least to an early grave.
It made me think about death and it scared me. Leaving those I love behind scares me. And although I dont believe in either Heaven or Hell, they both scare me. I am comforted by the notion of the end being that, the end. But dying a slow, painful death due to ill health brought on by my progressing towards obesity, that does scare me. Hell scares me because although I dont think I'm a bad person I can't claim to be a good one either. I have made mistakes and choices that I am not proud of. I've never tried to hurt anyone and in doing so I've hurt people, which makes me quite the coward. Truth is I am very much hoping for a chance to redeem my worthless life. I dont care if I never see Heaven, as long as I dont see Hell.
So part one, diet trying to get my health back to some degree. Eating low fat foods and doing more everyday moving about than I usually do. I have felt an increase in my energy levels and today a shirt that for the last couple of years hasn't come close to fastening round my neck is close to it again. I dont care about flat stomachs and washboard abs and six packs and all that vain nonsense, just to have something like equilibrium again will suffice.
As for the rest, my inner peace, I feel I am damned for the choices I made, some of them whilst not really thinking beyond the most carnal of thoughts. I know I shut off, I know I am very insular and very difficult to get any emotion out of because these days I am so scared of getting hurt i have pretty much accepted hermitude and loneliness to what I am sure would be continued pain if I put myself "out there".
I've come close to suicide many times and never done it. That I haven't has far more to do with my fears of what awaits beyond and what it would do to my family and friends here than it has to do with any desire on my part to go on existing. So I do what I can to survive, and this diet is part of that.
truth is I dont live, I merely exist. And the sadder truth is that for the most part, I'm okay with that.
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