Never ending fire in the smoke!!

So, just when I think the nightmare might be behind me, that the past is finally buried and that the clouds are lifting, I am reminded at just how much my past will forever haunt me.

I joined a dating site, nothing unusual and actually talked to someone on it.  I saw her due to a post that she had given where she disagreed with the notion of child abusers having ot have a sign post in their garden as she felt it would encourage vigilante's.  I replied to her saying that i agreed that it could and also there is the possibility that the person was innocent, and in those circumstances they shouldn't be persecuted at all.  I intimated that I knew this from personal experience to a degree.

In reply she asked me what that experience was and in my subsequent reply I told her.  i told her I had been falsely accused of molesting my daughter, that I was never charged or even arrested but the very notion of an accusation was enough to cause my mental breakdown that I still suffer from to this day.

her reply?  That whilst she sympathised with me and hoped I could put it behind me she has children and as such she couldnt take the chance that it might even be remotely true.  No smoke without fire she feels.

Is that to be what is left of my life?  To live alone because of that?  Am I to be assumed guilty by accusation alone (even though there was no evidence to back up the accusation, as no abuse took place)?  if so, what is my hope, realistically, of finding any love and happiness in this world if I am to be forever tainted with these lies?  And if that is the case, if these lies are to dog me for the rest of my life, then I honestly want my life over.  Gone, done, finished.

I dont want to be alone all my life.  I dont want to wake up each day to the emptiness.  But it appears that due to the lies of one person, I am cursed to that.  And right now, its a curse I dont want.

The Kitten Board and Buffy Season 6!

So a guy called DrLloyd is doing a history of The Kitten Board from its beginnings as merely a Willow & Tara fan board through its period of being (and to some extent still is) a protest board over the death of Tara and the introduction of Kennedy. 10 years have passed since that fateful run up to the episode "Seeing Red". Given the passing decade, have my views on Season 6 and Tara's death changed at all?

Truth is, if anything my feelings have merely become better expressed. Whilst I certainly no longer feel the raging anger and feeling of betrayal towards Joss that I once did, nor has anything in the passing 10 years made me feel that he has made any real attempt to make what I feel are well overdue and obvious amends.

The more I see Season 6, and I have watched season 6 again since the original transmission (the wonders of DVD) it makes even less logical sense now to kill off Tara than it did then, and it made no sense then. I will probably at some point write some great tome, pouring over every point and principle involved in what I see as a colossal mistake that blighted the show and a very positive storyline for LGBT people and others (I belong in the others category) and for no real gain, either critically or commercially. But worse yet, they lost the moral argument, and that is a shameful indictment of Joss.

Truth is, its all too late to do anything. Buffy finished the following season, unable to get back the mass exodus it lost when Tara died, and the comic book has really done nothing other than underline that point. Joss is unable to accept blame which is his perogative but it does leave me thinking less of him as a person as well as a writer.

The Diet!

Yes I am on a diet, one that is self-inflicted so I cant blame others. Nor can I blame others for the causes of needing the diet.

The causes? Simple enough a lack of a decent diet (in so much as foodstuffs) and exercise (it appears sadly that masturbation does not count as an exercise routine). Add to that my general state of not really giving a damn about myself and the meds I'm on having the effect of slowing my metabolism down and the result is over weight me.

So why the diet? Well its not for reasons of vanity, I simply cannot summon up enough self-esteem to even care moderately about my looks or if I attract others based on the belief that no matter what I did, short of a full body transplant, it would not make any more physically appealing. No my reasons are health ones.

At Xmas it became apparent to me at the dinner table that I really had put on pounds and then some. A shirt a friend had bought me wouldn't fit (truth is it was probably too small to begin with but it still made me embarrassed) and my own shirt was nearly bursting loose after the meal. Although my weight had nothing to do with my spending the next 24 hours after the meal throwing up at every opportunity, it did make me feel that it was time for a change. Also, whilst I hold little love for myself, I would definitely hurt my loved ones if they saw me die and being somewhat of a fatalist I felt I was heading that way, or at the least to an early grave.

It made me think about death and it scared me. Leaving those I love behind scares me. And although I dont believe in either Heaven or Hell, they both scare me. I am comforted by the notion of the end being that, the end. But dying a slow, painful death due to ill health brought on by my progressing towards obesity, that does scare me. Hell scares me because although I dont think I'm a bad person I can't claim to be a good one either. I have made mistakes and choices that I am not proud of. I've never tried to hurt anyone and in doing so I've hurt people, which makes me quite the coward. Truth is I am very much hoping for a chance to redeem my worthless life. I dont care if I never see Heaven, as long as I dont see Hell.

So part one, diet trying to get my health back to some degree. Eating low fat foods and doing more everyday moving about than I usually do. I have felt an increase in my energy levels and today a shirt that for the last couple of years hasn't come close to fastening round my neck is close to it again. I dont care about flat stomachs and washboard abs and six packs and all that vain nonsense, just to have something like equilibrium again will suffice.

As for the rest, my inner peace, I feel I am damned for the choices I made, some of them whilst not really thinking beyond the most carnal of thoughts. I know I shut off, I know I am very insular and very difficult to get any emotion out of because these days I am so scared of getting hurt i have pretty much accepted hermitude and loneliness to what I am sure would be continued pain if I put myself "out there".

I've come close to suicide many times and never done it. That I haven't has far more to do with my fears of what awaits beyond and what it would do to my family and friends here than it has to do with any desire on my part to go on existing. So I do what I can to survive, and this diet is part of that.

truth is I dont live, I merely exist. And the sadder truth is that for the most part, I'm okay with that.

Gaming is for all, not just some!!

A strange argument is brewing up on BioWare message boards regarding a single aspect of their games such as the Dragon Age and Mass Effect series, and that is the ability for a player to choose to have a relationship with either a male or female character, regardless of the gender of the player's character thus allowing for both straight and gay relationships. Now these relationships are entirely voluntary and importantly, are not necessary for the completion of the main storyline, they are merely an extra that a player can choose to initiate if they so choose to add a little something to the basic game. Dragon Age 2 has even ensured that rather than the Player having to start all romantic initiations, NPC's will also attempt to flirt with them. Again these characters can be turned down, there is no onus upon the player to accept this romantic tangent to the storyline.

And yet, true to form, a very vocal minority seem to be extremely uncomfortable with this. They have got it into their heads that somehow allowing this fluid romantic base, where any gender can find romance with any gender, is somehow biasing against straight male gamers. their argument being that most players of these sorts of games are heterosexuals males and as such they and only they should be catered for and others should simply not be bothered with. Also they are extremely uncomfortable with the idea of playing a straight male character in the game and another male attempting to flirt with them. My question is simple: Why are they bothered by this?

I will admit my experience of playing MMORPG's and RPG's on computers is extremely limited, but I am a pen & paper RPG player/GM/scenario writer of near 30 years experience and so from that point of view I will make my comments. Firstly, these games treat romance as an optional extra, not a requirement. If they were a requirement I'm sure that the sexual orientation of the character would be chosen in character development so the game could be tailored to that character (I'll get back to this point more in a little while). Secondly, the characters who initiate flirtation can be rejected without any drama so its not like they are being pursued. Thirdly, its a game folks. The character you are controlling is not you, its someone else. They are RPG's, not real life simulators where you are playing yourself. Fourthly, are the detractors honestly saying that if they saw someone they thought was attractive they wouldn't try and initiate some sort of contact/flirtation? Are they suggesting that people ask them first what their sexual orientation is before initiating a harmless bit of flirting? And moreover, aren't they flattered that someone would actually find them attractive, even if that attraction is not reciprocated?

As a scenario writer and GM, I can say one thing above all others: Scenarios are always tailored to suit a character. This is not the same as making it easier for certain characters than others, but a good GM will amend a details here and there to meet the changing and evolving nature of the scenario as it is played out. Whilst romance is not exactly a necessity of any game I've ran, neither have I been remiss in allowing it. As for NPC's finding the character attractive, that's just the breaks you take. If you have a character in a game that has a high score for attractiveness there is a good chance that people who find your gender attractive (of either gender) will find you attractive and if they are possessed of self-confidence they may very well chance their arm with a bit of flirtation. Does that mean the flirtation has to be reciprocated? of course not, but neither should it be seen as any sort of affront or agenda when a GM or scenario creates a situation where a person the player would not find attractive finds the character attractive and attempts to chat them up. That these players find affront shows me not only do they latent, if not blatent, homophobic ideologies but also that they are bad players, unable to actually role-play. As a player I've played men and women, gay and straight, black and white, religious and non-religious and I have done so with equal fervour and passion because I am playing a role, someone either vaguely similar to myself in some aspects and completely dissimilar in others. If I were merely playing myself it would cease to be role-playing, and would cease to be fun.

BioWare deserve applause for creating an environment where heterosexual or homosexual relationships can occur without it being on any sort of soapbox or feeding any agenda other than the obvious: That gaming is for everyone and if a game's company can invest a little time and effort to create a gaming environment that is inclusive to all without making others feel shut out then that is the right thing to do, both from a moral point of view and a business one - god for the soul and the bank balance. Those who are moaning are moaning simply for moaning's sake, moaning that they are now being treated as equal gamers with every other demographic, rather than the pedastal that they only had due to other's not thinking as forwardly as BioWare have.

So for those with a major problem with BioWare's ideology, get a life. This company has finally done what any good pen and paper GM has been doing for years, showing respect for their players.

Feeling very alone!

I'm not sure when it started, or more accurately when I first really felt it, but for the past few months I've begun to feel something I've never really felt before to any great extent, and that is isolated.

I live on my own, and live away from the vast majority of my friends and all my family. I've never regretted that decision, as I needed to heal and I still don't regret it, as I still need to heal. But its not physical distance that is causing this feeling of isolation for me, but an emotional one.

I feel like I've all but lost my daughter. For weeks now getting to speak to her on the phone has been a quest in itself. I always call at the same times every week. I did this to provide her some structure amongst the chaos of her home life. her Mum was ill and unreliable so I was determined that my daughter could count on me and that she knew when I would call her. But now it seems that has all been for nought.

The most heartbreaking point has been last night. Having not been able to contact my daughter in over a week I even called her mobile phone (which has a notoriously bad signal even when I do get her) to again, no answer. So I texted her instead, asking her to actually be home so I could call her. I got a reply, asking who I was. I replied "your Dad" (albeit in text speak shorthand). I got a further reply, saying that the person sending the text was sitting beside their dad so who the hell was I. I replied, apologising and explaining that the humber had been my daughter's. I got another reply, telling me that I was not to text again and calling me a fucking bastard (although both words were mis-spelt). It would appear that either my daughter doesn't think me important enough to give me her new number or it was her and she truly despises me. Whatever the reason, it has left me feeling empty inside.

The natural reaction is to turn to friends or family. But my friends get enough of my worries and woes and I do not wish to burden them further and I am so distant emotionally from my family these days I don't even think to contact them (though I did last night to try and get Saffron's number).

So I now feel lonelier than I have ever felt. But for the first time, I feel alone, which I have never felt before. its no-one's fault its just the way it is. I've always been odd, but for the first time I honestly feel like I don't matter to anyone which is a terrifying place to be.

I am scared of dying but right now I am scared of living. People talk about pain being good in the long run but I just don't see how that can be true. I am in constant emotional pain with very little respite. I'm not sure I have options left any more.

So England lost. Germany won quite rightly as they were easily the better side, both technically and mentally. The lampard shot was clearly a goal and maybe, along with the Tevez goal later that evening, this will mean technology gets used in footie games and about time too.

But I don't hate the England team. I don't hate them or their manager or their fans. I hate the hooligan element of their fans but I hate the hooligan element of any fanbase. No my emnity is reserved purely for the media who once again assumed, due to England winning the World Cup ONCE, that they have some divine right to assume they will again simply because they qualified for the tournament. Is this the fault of the team? No, this is purely the media's doing.

I've seen members of my famiy be quite specific talking about "English scum". it's one thing to love your team, similarly to perhaps be playfully disdainful of rivals but hate? Its too much and is frankly why I'll never be a true footie fan. I love my team, but not to the point of hating another team, thats too far. I don't get it and moreover, I don't want to get it.

By all means hate violence, cruelty and abuse and those who would use them. Hate poverty and disease and those who cause them. Hate man's inhumanity to man. Hate those who claim to preach love whilst in reality they are preaching hate, intolerance and segregation and calling it an act of love. Hate the public's fascination with the vapid, the talentless, the brainless and the attention-greedy and show disdain for those who seem to see fame, and it's acquisition by any means necessary, as the goal rather than a side effect of having talent and becoming successful for that talent. And show disdain and derision for those who, either in small ways or large, abuse or misuse your trust. All these manifestations of hate and scorn I fully understand.

But hating a football team, or any sports team, simply because they are not your particular team? No, that I neither get, understand, nor wish to emulate. I am a fan of Manchester United and as a fan I want to see them do well. But do I hate their rivals like Chelsea, Liverpool, Manchester City and the rest? No, of course not. My loving one team does not mean by contrast I have to hate others. The two are not linked nor should they be and those who cannot separate those two principles, I don't know whether to hold them in contempt or pity them.

Of course, England are centuries old rivals to us Scots. Of course we enjoy the moments when we see our rivals beaten by our team. But should that rivalry become a poison in our soul that causes us to refer to the England team as "scum" and actually support the opposition? Clearly not. I support Scotland, and as such did not support England but I wasn't supporting the opposition either. i watched the game as a true neutral, willing neither side to win or lose but merely enjoying a game.

The media need to calm down. Already the first cries of "Capello out" and "we need an English manager" (forgetting their last English manager, Steve McLaren, was woeful in the job) have been sounded. I don't know what went wrong in the England camp that caused them to perform so dismally but they need to sort it. But the media need to get their commentary into perspective and be less full-on when it comes to talking up England. Yes, of the home nations England are the best team right now no question (and I accept that part of the Scottish bitterness may well be fuelled by jealousy) but they are not world beaters yet every World Cup and European Cham,pionship out come the pundits convinced that England are world beaters simply because once, many decades ago, they won the World Cup. 1966 was a lifetime ago, folks, and it needs to be forgotten and the new teams judged on their own merits, not on the presumptive past glories of others.

Presumption and assumption - and why it can be damaging!

I got into a strange argument earlier with someone. Not for the first time I was accused of being a self-pitier, someone who, they infer or outright accuse, only says negative things about themselves to engender sympathy. In short, that I am an attention seeker. I refute the claim but it made me think about these people and their motivation.

For my money, there are 3 kinds of people who speak only in negative terms. Firstly, there are those who do, as I have been accused of, say what they say to get attention and perhaps some consolement. Secondly, there are those who can easily see both the multi-coloured view of the world and the monochromatic view that is seen as pessimistic but chooses only to voice the negative. Thirdly there are people like me. People who have grown up without any great experience of, nor any real understanding of, the multi-coloured world and whose vision is entirely monochromatic. Our view of the world is not a conscious choice, it merely the reality of what we see. In short, we are being berated for our uncomfortable honesty.

I say uncomfortable because the people who make these accusations see the world in so many hues and shades and colours they cannot grasp the idea that others simply cannot. And because they cannot understand this simple truth they fall back on steroetypes and presumtive mistakes to try and align the person with their thoughts. As they cannot grasp the concept of a monochromatic view they assume we are making a conscious choice for whatever reason. The error lies not with the person with the monochromatic view, but with the aperson with the multi-coloured view.

So I say to these people this simple thing: Don't assume. Don't assume that someone with a bitter and negative view of the world is somehow faking it or attention seeking. Allow for the possibility, as it is a real poissibility, that what they see is all they can genuinely really see. Yes, such people have no doubt got serious issues to work through in order for them to start to see the colours, but don't dismiss. people in this position don't want either pity or sympathy, just maybe a little understanding and acceptance.

Also, don't ask someone "how are you?" if you aren't interested in the answer. if you are only asking out of some social norm then my advice is this: don't ask. It insults people if you ask them how they are when all you really want to hear is "I'm good thanks" or words to that effect. But if you do ask, then don't blame the person you are asking if you don't get a positive answer.

I was told I needed to get some rose-tinted glasses and lose the piss and vinegar ones. But that assumes that those glasses I wear are a choice, they aren't. As they are not for many people I am sure.

I am fortunate that thanks to my friends and role models like Amber Benson, I am beginning to see some of the colours but its a long struggle. I say that not to engender pity or sympathy, but because its the truth. Why should I lie about how I really feel just to make some stranger who makes assumptions can feel better? If they can't handle truthful answers to their questions then they shouldn't ask them.