Yes, my reconsideration has come through and, unsurprisingly, I have been denied. Why? because iot seems that reconsiderations can only be granted in cases of clerical error or discrepency, not for medical error. So now I move on to the appeal process and this is where the system is even more rigged.
Firstly, the appeal can take up to 3 months to sort out, and sometimes longer. Meantime the £105 a week I was on will be slashed to £51 a week. Why? because I don't qualify for the top rate of Income Support (£64 a week) because I'm appealing. Yes folks, you get penalised for appealing against a decision. And somehow, this is considered fair by the powers that be.
Secondly, I have to prove I'm ill. Now this seems a no-brainer but its more complex. My doctor knows I am ill, and has the medical records to prove it. She has treated me for years. The assessor who has ruined my life for the moment met me for no more than 30, maybe 45 minutes at most and has decided (I beleive deliberately) to mark me as fit for work, over-riding my doctor. Now at an appeal, one would think in a civilised society that the doctor who has actually treated you and knows you would carry the greater weight in terms of evidence, but the reverse is true. the assessor has the advantage.
Fathom that for a moment. An assessor hears something or for some other reason takes a dislike to you, or is under orders from higher than they are to cull the herd. They can write up a report which is negative without sounding biased (intelligent people as they are) and this report, made under less than adequate circumstances in a short interview, is given more weight than your own doctor. The fix is in, the game is rigged and rigged entirely against the people who need help most.
I asked for the guidelines that the assessors must adhere to in order to reach decisions, so that I cna see for myself how a person of "sound mind and judgement" might have made an error at my medical assessment, and guess what? I'm not allowed those guidelines. Why? Could it be because a previous DWP employee told me that there are no guidelines, that assessors make completely arbitrary, subjective judgements, that are entirely based on opinion and their interpretation, rather than actual facts. opinions made in short time rather than an actual proper length of time. If an assessor excludes information, deliberately or otherwise, they are not accountable as you have to prove they did it deliberately which is almost impossible.
But what is worse, and what upsets me more than anything else, is that because of this I will not now get my daughter in the Summer. I have not seen my daughter since December 2008 and was looking forward to not only seeing her in the Summer when she came down, but in surprising her for her birthday. None of these can now happen. To say I am heartbroken is an understatement. There is already consderible distance between my daughter and I due to geography which ahs led to a distance in our relationship as I am pretty much just a voice on a phone now. It was a chance to build fences and bridges between us and also with my family, who have not seen her since Xmas 2007. We are all but strangers to her now. This news has put another nail in the coffin of my parenting and it is painful beyond words.
Right now I hate the world.
Thursday, 11 March 2010
Monday, 1 March 2010
Money becoming an issue
Another blog and another rant against a system which is as ludicrous as it is dehumanising.
I've still to hear back about my reconsideration, which could be today or up to another 2 weeks before I hear. The fact that, should be reconsideration be successful, they will backdate the money is not going to help me now. My Income Support form is in but that cna also take up to 2 weeks and so I find myself in a terrible situation - starve or beg for a loan from the very people who have put me in this situation in the first place.
Yes folks, the Crisis Loan looms and whilst it may solve my problems temporarily, it won't solve them in the long term. But there is something deeply sinister about all of this, I feel. I am unable to get a grant as I dont qualify as I will only be looking for food which it appears is very difficult to get and i have tried to get a Crisis Loan before and there are so many hoops to jump through it makes getting one next to impossible.
However what galls me is this: The DWP make a horrendous mistake with regards to my benefits. They drag their feet (deliberately so IMHO) in coming to a response about my reconsideration (I beleive to try and get people to take a different benefit instead so they can refuse you with a clear conscience, although that rather pre-supposes that they have a conscience which i truly doubt) and then place me in a position where I then have to beg for money from them to live on. Money I would then, in the most perverse part of it all, I'd have to pay back once they rectify their error. And the strange thing, is that if I were to treat them as they have treated me I would be at fault whilst they are whiter than white, purer than pure and untouchable.
Corruption is at the very heart of the DWP and personally I believe it needs a serious re-evaluation. Not only in terms of its working practices but also its staff. i personally think that those who have dealt with me at Coatbridge deserve to be fired. But heyl, telling them that will only ensure that I get nothing as they are vindictively petty.
My last blog was the scared man, this blog is the terrified and angry man. But what i truly am is disheartened and to be honest, disillusioned man. Disillusioned with the world and disillusioned with living. Should my reconsideration go against me, given all the distress they have already caused me and knowing that it will sound the death knell on any chance I have of seeing my daughter in the Summer, I just won't go on. My life means very little to these people, but maybe my death might wake them from their callous complacency.
I've still to hear back about my reconsideration, which could be today or up to another 2 weeks before I hear. The fact that, should be reconsideration be successful, they will backdate the money is not going to help me now. My Income Support form is in but that cna also take up to 2 weeks and so I find myself in a terrible situation - starve or beg for a loan from the very people who have put me in this situation in the first place.
Yes folks, the Crisis Loan looms and whilst it may solve my problems temporarily, it won't solve them in the long term. But there is something deeply sinister about all of this, I feel. I am unable to get a grant as I dont qualify as I will only be looking for food which it appears is very difficult to get and i have tried to get a Crisis Loan before and there are so many hoops to jump through it makes getting one next to impossible.
However what galls me is this: The DWP make a horrendous mistake with regards to my benefits. They drag their feet (deliberately so IMHO) in coming to a response about my reconsideration (I beleive to try and get people to take a different benefit instead so they can refuse you with a clear conscience, although that rather pre-supposes that they have a conscience which i truly doubt) and then place me in a position where I then have to beg for money from them to live on. Money I would then, in the most perverse part of it all, I'd have to pay back once they rectify their error. And the strange thing, is that if I were to treat them as they have treated me I would be at fault whilst they are whiter than white, purer than pure and untouchable.
Corruption is at the very heart of the DWP and personally I believe it needs a serious re-evaluation. Not only in terms of its working practices but also its staff. i personally think that those who have dealt with me at Coatbridge deserve to be fired. But heyl, telling them that will only ensure that I get nothing as they are vindictively petty.
My last blog was the scared man, this blog is the terrified and angry man. But what i truly am is disheartened and to be honest, disillusioned man. Disillusioned with the world and disillusioned with living. Should my reconsideration go against me, given all the distress they have already caused me and knowing that it will sound the death knell on any chance I have of seeing my daughter in the Summer, I just won't go on. My life means very little to these people, but maybe my death might wake them from their callous complacency.
Friday, 26 February 2010
Medical Assessors - the fix is in!
Been a while since I needed to rant and rave at the stupidity of the world but this was needed.
For many years now i have had to deal with the nightmare of clinical, borderline manic, depression and social anxiety and paranoia that accompanies it. it means that at this juncture, i am simply too emotional, too highly strung, to be safe to work with. As such i have been on Incapacity Benefit for many years. The main reason for my current condition was I suffered a nervous breakdown due to being falsely accused of molesting my child. It devastated me.
Last December, as can sometimes happen, I was called in by the Government and their agents the Department for Work and Pensions (DWP) for a assessment to prove that i am unwell. I sat with an independant assessor for a 30 minute interview. In that interviw I explained my mental and emotional constraints clearly and moreover, what had been the trigger. When he heard that, the interview changed. He gave me a look of "no smoke without fire" and from that point on, I was swimming against the stream.
I was told I would hear back from them within 2-4 weeks. 9 weeks later I receive the news that my Incapacity Benefit had been stopped due to the assessor stating I was fully fit for work and completely ignoring not only what i had said, but also the notes of my doctor. A 30 minute interview that has changed my life for the worse.
What is worse is the system for appealing. I was distraught and weeping as I called to try and find out why i had been taken off benefits, only to dioscover that there is a points-based system. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am not a human being, merely a name and numbers. It seems that I was merely 3 points short, and I had identified 9 points that the assessor had missed out ( I beleive quite deliberately).
Now comes the highly dodgy part. There is no objective test, no objective guidelines, for the assessor, or anyone looking to my appeal, has to go by or be held to. They cna, for any number of reasons including personal dislike or political pressure, mark against you and worse, you really have no comeback because the only people you can genuinely appeal to are the very people shafting you. Its an in-house system and that can only lead to one thing - wholesale and widespread corruption.
What is truly worrying, is that we are talking about a benefit paid out to those who are at their most vulnerable - the physically, mentally and emotionally infirm - and these people have no real protection as there is no objective code of conduct, no objective standards that must be adhered to. We are at the mercy of subjective opinion based on fleeting interviews and are then unable to truly fend for ourselves and we cannot even contact anyone within that organsiation for clarity as to what objective tests if any there are to protect the vulnerable.
It seems that facts and truth are irrelevant. personal prejudice or political machinations are more likely to decide your fate than whether or not you are a genuine case for help.
I know many take the system for granted, and many abuse it and the Government is right to pursue those people. But it must not, in its zeal to look efective, stomp on the weakest to make itself look tough. These are not the actions of leaders but of tyrants.
I have no idea what will happen to me. The Coatbridge Office that deals with the claims in our area come across as a very incompetent lot (who have consistently given me misleading or inaccurate information) and I also fear are very petty. In a moment of honest frustration, desperation and distress I snapped when given false information after false information and I honestly believe they are petty and vindictive enough to hold that against me.
If they do, and I state this now, then I no longer wish to live in this country. Sadly I cannot and will not be able to afford a passport so it will be the end of me I feel. There are times when I don't want to live, and this is definitely one of those days.
For many years now i have had to deal with the nightmare of clinical, borderline manic, depression and social anxiety and paranoia that accompanies it. it means that at this juncture, i am simply too emotional, too highly strung, to be safe to work with. As such i have been on Incapacity Benefit for many years. The main reason for my current condition was I suffered a nervous breakdown due to being falsely accused of molesting my child. It devastated me.
Last December, as can sometimes happen, I was called in by the Government and their agents the Department for Work and Pensions (DWP) for a assessment to prove that i am unwell. I sat with an independant assessor for a 30 minute interview. In that interviw I explained my mental and emotional constraints clearly and moreover, what had been the trigger. When he heard that, the interview changed. He gave me a look of "no smoke without fire" and from that point on, I was swimming against the stream.
I was told I would hear back from them within 2-4 weeks. 9 weeks later I receive the news that my Incapacity Benefit had been stopped due to the assessor stating I was fully fit for work and completely ignoring not only what i had said, but also the notes of my doctor. A 30 minute interview that has changed my life for the worse.
What is worse is the system for appealing. I was distraught and weeping as I called to try and find out why i had been taken off benefits, only to dioscover that there is a points-based system. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am not a human being, merely a name and numbers. It seems that I was merely 3 points short, and I had identified 9 points that the assessor had missed out ( I beleive quite deliberately).
Now comes the highly dodgy part. There is no objective test, no objective guidelines, for the assessor, or anyone looking to my appeal, has to go by or be held to. They cna, for any number of reasons including personal dislike or political pressure, mark against you and worse, you really have no comeback because the only people you can genuinely appeal to are the very people shafting you. Its an in-house system and that can only lead to one thing - wholesale and widespread corruption.
What is truly worrying, is that we are talking about a benefit paid out to those who are at their most vulnerable - the physically, mentally and emotionally infirm - and these people have no real protection as there is no objective code of conduct, no objective standards that must be adhered to. We are at the mercy of subjective opinion based on fleeting interviews and are then unable to truly fend for ourselves and we cannot even contact anyone within that organsiation for clarity as to what objective tests if any there are to protect the vulnerable.
It seems that facts and truth are irrelevant. personal prejudice or political machinations are more likely to decide your fate than whether or not you are a genuine case for help.
I know many take the system for granted, and many abuse it and the Government is right to pursue those people. But it must not, in its zeal to look efective, stomp on the weakest to make itself look tough. These are not the actions of leaders but of tyrants.
I have no idea what will happen to me. The Coatbridge Office that deals with the claims in our area come across as a very incompetent lot (who have consistently given me misleading or inaccurate information) and I also fear are very petty. In a moment of honest frustration, desperation and distress I snapped when given false information after false information and I honestly believe they are petty and vindictive enough to hold that against me.
If they do, and I state this now, then I no longer wish to live in this country. Sadly I cannot and will not be able to afford a passport so it will be the end of me I feel. There are times when I don't want to live, and this is definitely one of those days.
Wednesday, 9 December 2009
It's Medication time!
Well, a week from now I will be back, or just arriving back, from my medical to see if I still qualify for my Incapacity Benefit. I think I do but sadly there are 3 big reasons why I beleive I am going to fail:
1) I don't sound mad: I honestly believe that the people they bring in for these tests have no idea what a clinically depressed person looks like (not that there is an actual type) or worse has a pre-supposition of what one is. I sadly rarely come across as that supposition. I am coherent, eloquent, capable of stringing a whole sentence together without using phrases like "You ken" or "ken what I mean" (to my non-Scottish readers, ken is a Scots version of the word know) and I don't sound unintelligent. This I think counts against me as I think these adjudicators see Clinically Depressed, and for that matter the mentally ill in general, as incoherent dullards, incapable of basic English. It is a reverse snobbery and it really gets my goat.
2) Friend of mine, who is disabled, failed her assessment. Now she is right to point out that they seem a little more cagey about the mentally ill but her denial of benefits, when she is such an obvious case, doesn't exactly fill me with confidence cos I figure if they can do that to her they could do it to me as well.
3) The Government are on a cull: This sort of ties up the other 2 points really. The Government have set a target of getting 1 million people of sickness benefits and back to work. laudible, even commendable, but sadly it has now become a case of "1 million any way they can". I am painfully aware of how some people use and abuse the benefits system and I agree wholeheartedly with them being found out but what scares me, given the problems I've mentioned above, is that I'm on a hitlist. I know that this is feeding into my paranoia and is aggravating my sleep to the point where I can barely think straight.
So where does this leave me? Terrified to put it bluntly. I am not ready yet to return to the field of work as I still find people much too scary to work with full time and whilst I ahve considered a college course, I've not really found one yet. But if I lose my benefits I will have to work and that will leave me even more isolated and terrified and I am scared, rightly or wrongly, of having a relapse and doing harm to myself again.
So I am a nervous wreck and there is still a week to go.
1) I don't sound mad: I honestly believe that the people they bring in for these tests have no idea what a clinically depressed person looks like (not that there is an actual type) or worse has a pre-supposition of what one is. I sadly rarely come across as that supposition. I am coherent, eloquent, capable of stringing a whole sentence together without using phrases like "You ken" or "ken what I mean" (to my non-Scottish readers, ken is a Scots version of the word know) and I don't sound unintelligent. This I think counts against me as I think these adjudicators see Clinically Depressed, and for that matter the mentally ill in general, as incoherent dullards, incapable of basic English. It is a reverse snobbery and it really gets my goat.
2) Friend of mine, who is disabled, failed her assessment. Now she is right to point out that they seem a little more cagey about the mentally ill but her denial of benefits, when she is such an obvious case, doesn't exactly fill me with confidence cos I figure if they can do that to her they could do it to me as well.
3) The Government are on a cull: This sort of ties up the other 2 points really. The Government have set a target of getting 1 million people of sickness benefits and back to work. laudible, even commendable, but sadly it has now become a case of "1 million any way they can". I am painfully aware of how some people use and abuse the benefits system and I agree wholeheartedly with them being found out but what scares me, given the problems I've mentioned above, is that I'm on a hitlist. I know that this is feeding into my paranoia and is aggravating my sleep to the point where I can barely think straight.
So where does this leave me? Terrified to put it bluntly. I am not ready yet to return to the field of work as I still find people much too scary to work with full time and whilst I ahve considered a college course, I've not really found one yet. But if I lose my benefits I will have to work and that will leave me even more isolated and terrified and I am scared, rightly or wrongly, of having a relapse and doing harm to myself again.
So I am a nervous wreck and there is still a week to go.
Wednesday, 2 December 2009
New York Senate Vote on Marriage Equality!
Yes, this is going to be a rant so I am sorry if this comes off as being a bit rabid or even slightly unfocused but I am very disturbed by the events in New York today.
In a saddening but not wholly surprising vote, New York State Senate voted down the Marriage Equality Bill by 24-38. As the Yes vote needed 35 to pass, this couldn't even be called a close vote. So what happened?
Simple - close minded hatred and bigotry won the day with the intolerant trying to sound dignified as they rang out the old arguments to justify the fact that they do not accept that being gay is worth standing up for.
What amazes me about these hypocrits is that they state that they are freedom and equality, but what they really mean is freedom and equality for people like them. If the group being discriminated against were being so because of the colour of their skin, their faith, their nationality or their gender, then I am positive thse self-same Senators would be standing up for these people. This is why I call them hypocrits.
What galls is that America is, supposedly, overseas right now spreading democracy. We all know that was a pretext for things more sinister by President Bush and his cronies but under Barack Obama it was a phrase that at least had a chance of gaining some legitimacy. But how can America, or any country with the same legal position, talk about spreading freedom to other countries when it hasn't got it right back home. This has far reaching consequences as a vote like this weakens America's world view as a bastion of equality and tolerance.
Over the last few years under President Bush, I was becoming very jaded with America (and with some Americans, specifically the right-wing bible thumpers) and would happily make sport of their terrible inner lie of talking justice in other countries whilst not delivering the same at home. With Obama I ahd hoped that it was a sign that the people of America had had enough of such views, and wanted to reclaim the country they loved, a country that they felt should do more than just talk about concepts like freedom and justice and tolerance, but walk them as well, both domestically as well as internationally.
However this vote means one of two things: Either that was a false dawn and the religious right still have a terrible and debilitating handhold on the civil rights and human rights views in America OR it means that the last gasps of theocratic tyranny and abuse of the innocent in America has still to be swept aside.
I desperately hope it is the latter, and that this terrible vote, which has only shown that in the Senate there are 38 very ignorant people (that i hope will be remembered as such come election time) is merely a set back towards the greater goal of proper equality and respect that should always have been given the LGBT community. If it is the former however, then I fear that America is going to tear itself apart and perhaps do more damage.
I want to be wrong. I want this to be a blip on the screen and not a sign of the flood to come. I want to be wrong, but I fear I may not be.
In a saddening but not wholly surprising vote, New York State Senate voted down the Marriage Equality Bill by 24-38. As the Yes vote needed 35 to pass, this couldn't even be called a close vote. So what happened?
Simple - close minded hatred and bigotry won the day with the intolerant trying to sound dignified as they rang out the old arguments to justify the fact that they do not accept that being gay is worth standing up for.
What amazes me about these hypocrits is that they state that they are freedom and equality, but what they really mean is freedom and equality for people like them. If the group being discriminated against were being so because of the colour of their skin, their faith, their nationality or their gender, then I am positive thse self-same Senators would be standing up for these people. This is why I call them hypocrits.
What galls is that America is, supposedly, overseas right now spreading democracy. We all know that was a pretext for things more sinister by President Bush and his cronies but under Barack Obama it was a phrase that at least had a chance of gaining some legitimacy. But how can America, or any country with the same legal position, talk about spreading freedom to other countries when it hasn't got it right back home. This has far reaching consequences as a vote like this weakens America's world view as a bastion of equality and tolerance.
Over the last few years under President Bush, I was becoming very jaded with America (and with some Americans, specifically the right-wing bible thumpers) and would happily make sport of their terrible inner lie of talking justice in other countries whilst not delivering the same at home. With Obama I ahd hoped that it was a sign that the people of America had had enough of such views, and wanted to reclaim the country they loved, a country that they felt should do more than just talk about concepts like freedom and justice and tolerance, but walk them as well, both domestically as well as internationally.
However this vote means one of two things: Either that was a false dawn and the religious right still have a terrible and debilitating handhold on the civil rights and human rights views in America OR it means that the last gasps of theocratic tyranny and abuse of the innocent in America has still to be swept aside.
I desperately hope it is the latter, and that this terrible vote, which has only shown that in the Senate there are 38 very ignorant people (that i hope will be remembered as such come election time) is merely a set back towards the greater goal of proper equality and respect that should always have been given the LGBT community. If it is the former however, then I fear that America is going to tear itself apart and perhaps do more damage.
I want to be wrong. I want this to be a blip on the screen and not a sign of the flood to come. I want to be wrong, but I fear I may not be.
Monday, 23 November 2009
Okay, doing my bit because its the right thing to do!
Usually when a person Blogs it is usually some musing over a thought or sometimes even a rant about soem great inequity. But occasionally, one is given the opportunity to Blog in the spirit of helping another person help others.
I am a huge fan of actress/novelist/director and all round nice person Amber Benson. I've given my reasons for this before so I won't repeat them but one of the reasons is her undeniable compassion. She is quite willing to give up profit for herself if it means helping those far less fortunate.
A case in point is her latest Blog which I link here for all to read:
http://amberbensonwrotethis.blogspot.com/2009/11/triangle-tara-dolls-for-charity-or-how.html
Now for those of us who know her this Blog and her decision to seel the Tara dolls to help the hungry comes as no surprise. Amber rarely does large-scale publicity stunts, but rather just puts her money where her mouth is and leads by example. She could make a lot of money for herself with those dolls, but instead has chosen to give that money (and I'm fairly certain she will have made a donation as well) to those who are not as fortunate as she. No glory seeking stunt this, but the genuine act of someone who genuinely cares about the people around ehr and the world entire.
Now for those who feel that $100 is a bit too much to give away then I provide here a link for people to make a direct donation: https://www.lafoodbank.org/ssl/financial_donation.htm
Amber has not told others to do, but rather has set the example that I hope others reading this blog will follow.
So please support this very worthy cause and buy a doll or make a donation. Thank you!!
I am a huge fan of actress/novelist/director and all round nice person Amber Benson. I've given my reasons for this before so I won't repeat them but one of the reasons is her undeniable compassion. She is quite willing to give up profit for herself if it means helping those far less fortunate.
A case in point is her latest Blog which I link here for all to read:
http://amberbensonwrotethis.blogspot.com/2009/11/triangle-tara-dolls-for-charity-or-how.html
Now for those of us who know her this Blog and her decision to seel the Tara dolls to help the hungry comes as no surprise. Amber rarely does large-scale publicity stunts, but rather just puts her money where her mouth is and leads by example. She could make a lot of money for herself with those dolls, but instead has chosen to give that money (and I'm fairly certain she will have made a donation as well) to those who are not as fortunate as she. No glory seeking stunt this, but the genuine act of someone who genuinely cares about the people around ehr and the world entire.
Now for those who feel that $100 is a bit too much to give away then I provide here a link for people to make a direct donation: https://www.lafoodbank.org/ssl/financial_donation.htm
Amber has not told others to do, but rather has set the example that I hope others reading this blog will follow.
So please support this very worthy cause and buy a doll or make a donation. Thank you!!
Saturday, 29 August 2009
Collectormania Glasgow!!
Okay, haven't posted in a while but thats more to do with not having had much to say than anything else. However, today I went to Collectormania Glasgow so I thought I'd write about it.
Travel there was fine (I know the route well so no problems there). I had to change buses at Glasgow which gave me an opportunity to buy Amber a present. Yes, I know, sappy but hey, I think Amber is worth a little present. She is a good person who despite my massive inferiority complex and insecurities and fears puts up with that and treats me nicely and that, as far as I am concerned, warrants a present. I had presumed Amber would get lots of cuddly toys so instead I bought her a book, something quintessentially Scottish. Complete works of Robert Burns, complete with helpful addenda in the margins to aid transaltion.
So I arrived and found Amber's queue which, due to being quite early, wasn't busy which was good as I didn't want to hold up a queue. I then met Dorothy from the Twitter Board (Hi to Dorothy if you are reading this). She very kindly gave me a present of an old digital video camera which was extremely thoughtful of her and was a very nice way to start the day. I thanked her for her kind gift and went over to meet Amber.
For the last few days i have been posting on Twitter and Facebook about my excitement at meeting Amber and my terror, terror caused by my insecurities and low self-esteem. I always fear that others see me with the same low opinion that I see myself and that, given that I do answer a great many of her Tweets and Facebook posts, I might be perceived as a pest. I try not to be but it is forever nagging at my mind. I mention this so you can appreciate the state of mind I was in.
Amber immediately recognised me, which was a mixture of "cool" and "Oh no!" in my head but she put me immediately at my ease. She had seen my tweets regarding my fears and although there was no vocal re-assurance that I was welcome, her tone of voice, demeanour and body language suggested that I was not unwelcome, which was a weight off my mind. I handed her my present which she was very happy about. I know Amber likes books and am hoping that, with the aid of the addenda, she might enjoy this one. A bit of Scotland to love. Anyway, she happily signed my copy of "Death's Daughter" to me and the DVD of "Once More With Feeling" for my daughter as a Xmas present. We spent a few moments talking about this and that but I didn't want to hold up the queue that was fast forming behind me so we exchange pleasantries and that was that.
The stalls were nice and I did manage to find the Buffy Top Trumps deck that I've wanted to get my daughter for some time so that was bought and I made my way to get my professional photo taken with Amber.
Amber was very nice with everyone but due to the size of the queue and the lack of time there really wasn't much chance to say anything other than "Thank you".
I wandered round the stalls some more (Some great stuff but a little too pricey for me) and then proceeded to the talk area where Amber would giving her Q & A.
Amber didn't disappoint. Rather than run off tangents she opened it straight to questions and there were the usual array of subjects. I even managed to summon up the courage (God knows from where) to ask a general question about DVD distribution using "Strictly Sexual" (superb movie) as a segue. At the end of the talk I crossed paths with Amber as I headed out and she was heading back to her signing booth and she gave me a very nice smile and wave which was unexpected and nice.
I went back to the photo area (by this time 2 hours at passed since the photo was taken) and saw my 2 photos with horror. "Beauty and the Beast" definitely sums up the two photos (with Amber very much Beauty). They are nice photos and very professional but I look so ugly in them I feel sorry for Amber having to stand next to me.
All in all however it was a good day. Amber was her usual approachable and friendly self and I certainly enjoyed myself, I just wish my pictures weren't so terrible on the eye.
On the off-chance that Amber sees this blog (as she saw one previously) may I remark the following:
Firstly, thank you for reassuring a highly sensitive, insecure guy that he isn't the stuff of nightmares (I know that may come across as funny but its how I genuinely view myself). It meant a lot that you were eager to put me at my ease. it is a kindness I will not forget.
Also, you mentioned in your talk about if you were more mean and sarcastic in life you might get more villain roles. I think your decency and compassion are amongst your greatest qualities and it would be very sad to lose them as there is so little of it in this world. It is the lack of imagination on the part of the writers and producers of shows/films that you don't get the villain parts (as "The Inside" clearly shows you can play them with real conviction) and not down to your ability or personality.
I had so many questions I wanted to ask you today and didn't have the courage in front of an audience or the time. Maybe one day I will, with your permission.
Again, thank you.
Travel there was fine (I know the route well so no problems there). I had to change buses at Glasgow which gave me an opportunity to buy Amber a present. Yes, I know, sappy but hey, I think Amber is worth a little present. She is a good person who despite my massive inferiority complex and insecurities and fears puts up with that and treats me nicely and that, as far as I am concerned, warrants a present. I had presumed Amber would get lots of cuddly toys so instead I bought her a book, something quintessentially Scottish. Complete works of Robert Burns, complete with helpful addenda in the margins to aid transaltion.
So I arrived and found Amber's queue which, due to being quite early, wasn't busy which was good as I didn't want to hold up a queue. I then met Dorothy from the Twitter Board (Hi to Dorothy if you are reading this). She very kindly gave me a present of an old digital video camera which was extremely thoughtful of her and was a very nice way to start the day. I thanked her for her kind gift and went over to meet Amber.
For the last few days i have been posting on Twitter and Facebook about my excitement at meeting Amber and my terror, terror caused by my insecurities and low self-esteem. I always fear that others see me with the same low opinion that I see myself and that, given that I do answer a great many of her Tweets and Facebook posts, I might be perceived as a pest. I try not to be but it is forever nagging at my mind. I mention this so you can appreciate the state of mind I was in.
Amber immediately recognised me, which was a mixture of "cool" and "Oh no!" in my head but she put me immediately at my ease. She had seen my tweets regarding my fears and although there was no vocal re-assurance that I was welcome, her tone of voice, demeanour and body language suggested that I was not unwelcome, which was a weight off my mind. I handed her my present which she was very happy about. I know Amber likes books and am hoping that, with the aid of the addenda, she might enjoy this one. A bit of Scotland to love. Anyway, she happily signed my copy of "Death's Daughter" to me and the DVD of "Once More With Feeling" for my daughter as a Xmas present. We spent a few moments talking about this and that but I didn't want to hold up the queue that was fast forming behind me so we exchange pleasantries and that was that.
The stalls were nice and I did manage to find the Buffy Top Trumps deck that I've wanted to get my daughter for some time so that was bought and I made my way to get my professional photo taken with Amber.
Amber was very nice with everyone but due to the size of the queue and the lack of time there really wasn't much chance to say anything other than "Thank you".
I wandered round the stalls some more (Some great stuff but a little too pricey for me) and then proceeded to the talk area where Amber would giving her Q & A.
Amber didn't disappoint. Rather than run off tangents she opened it straight to questions and there were the usual array of subjects. I even managed to summon up the courage (God knows from where) to ask a general question about DVD distribution using "Strictly Sexual" (superb movie) as a segue. At the end of the talk I crossed paths with Amber as I headed out and she was heading back to her signing booth and she gave me a very nice smile and wave which was unexpected and nice.
I went back to the photo area (by this time 2 hours at passed since the photo was taken) and saw my 2 photos with horror. "Beauty and the Beast" definitely sums up the two photos (with Amber very much Beauty). They are nice photos and very professional but I look so ugly in them I feel sorry for Amber having to stand next to me.
All in all however it was a good day. Amber was her usual approachable and friendly self and I certainly enjoyed myself, I just wish my pictures weren't so terrible on the eye.
On the off-chance that Amber sees this blog (as she saw one previously) may I remark the following:
Firstly, thank you for reassuring a highly sensitive, insecure guy that he isn't the stuff of nightmares (I know that may come across as funny but its how I genuinely view myself). It meant a lot that you were eager to put me at my ease. it is a kindness I will not forget.
Also, you mentioned in your talk about if you were more mean and sarcastic in life you might get more villain roles. I think your decency and compassion are amongst your greatest qualities and it would be very sad to lose them as there is so little of it in this world. It is the lack of imagination on the part of the writers and producers of shows/films that you don't get the villain parts (as "The Inside" clearly shows you can play them with real conviction) and not down to your ability or personality.
I had so many questions I wanted to ask you today and didn't have the courage in front of an audience or the time. Maybe one day I will, with your permission.
Again, thank you.
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